Everything

just to love and be loved in return

2009-10-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

Some of my favorite movie quotes on love

Moulin Rouge: Toulouse says "The greatest thing you ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

Tristan + Isolde: Isolde says, "I want to know that you're alive somewhere thinking of me from time to time."

Isolde reads "...My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears, And true plain hearts do in the faces rest; Where can we find two better hemispheres Without sharp north, without declining west? Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally; If our two loves be one, or thou and I Love so alike that none can slacken, none can die."

Tristan says, "I don't know if life is greater than death. But love was more than either."

Ever After: Leonardo says. "I shall leave walking on water to the Son of God. Fortunately I tripped over an angel."

Pride and Prejudice: Mr Darcy says, "Miss Elizabeth. I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment. I came to Rosings with the single object of seeing you... I had to see you. I have fought against my better judgment, my family's expectations, the inferiority of your birth by rank and circumstance. All these things I am willing to put aside and ask you to end my agony." and then " I love you. Most ardently. Please do me the honor of accepting my hand."

Mr Darcy also says, "you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

Stardust: Yvaine says, "You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

Ashley says: "your heart in exchange for mine" - how powerful is that? to give someone your heart? Love is giving someone the ability to break your heart but trusting them not to. that is the key, trust. it all boils down to trust. every love story ever written has the underlying theme of trust. breaking through the barriers of trust and fear to love, above all to love.

Good Mom Bad Mom

2009-10-22T07:17:00.000-07:00

Ever watch the crime shows and they play good cop bad cop? Well since its just me raising Grace I get to be both mom and dad. I get to be the one who loves her and the one who disciplines her. I hate disciplining her. But she will never know what is wrong or right if she is not punished for bad behavior. I'm not talking about locking her in a dungeon and beating her (although at times she'd swear her room was a dungeon). What I'm talking about is making threats and spanking. I spank and sometimes she makes me mad enough to go the one step further. The step that scares the shit out of me. So I have to take a step back and cool myself down. I usually call my sister.

The meltdowns usually start over homework. Why is ONE page of homework so hard? She doesn't have to write a chapter in a book, she doesn't have gobs of reading to do. What is the big deal about homework. This time the meltdown was over homework but it was because she lied about it. She told the teachers and me that she didn't have any homework and she didn't write the assignments down so I had no idea what she was supposed to do.

Wednesday nights is Kids Club. She gets to have 2 hours of fun and I get to have 2 hours of me time. Because she lied she did not get to go. We came home and she started the crying because I told her I was mad at her. She crawled under her loft bed and sat there. I told her, you can sit here and cry for two hours like you usually do or you can make the choice to get your work done. If you get your work done then you have time to do other things. She was already grounded from the TV, computer and Nintendo ds. What else can I take away? What is going to make the biggest impact?

So I have to show her that I love her and then turn around and punish her for lying and deceiving. I get to play good cop bad cop and I hate it. I just want to be the good cop. I do tell her when she's having the meltdown "I still love you, I just don't like your attitude". I do love her and when I'm tired and feel like I can't go on another minute, she is the last straw. She is the person I get mad at when things don't go right and I hate that too. I wish I could be nice and good ALL the time.

The Man of My Dreams

2009-10-18T19:37:00.000-07:00

A long time ago in a galaxy far away there was a man. A man named Peter Mars. He came in on his white horse after the Turkey boy left and swept me off my feet and out of my mind. My heart was given to him and I have yet to get it back to give to another. I know folks say not to live in the past but if you have thought about someone consistently does that make them the past? I know Jenny is dead but if I still think of her does that make her gone? Is it the same with him? I don't know. All I know is that I have new stuff running through my head because we finally reconnected through this wonderful and awful thing called the world wide web.

This man truly rocked my world and ruined me for any other man. I know this is silly to say over a 4 month relationship. After him any boyfriends I have had since then were just temporary. They just filled that lustful void. I had already given my heart away. My heart may still be in his hands but it could be another 20 years before my body will be and by then I may have met someone who will overshadow my missing heart. And time is a strange thing, it heals all wounds, it's the stuff life is made of, it's a companion that goes with us on a journey, and it can be an illusion.

All of my old feelings are resurfacing. I realize that nothing has changed between us. We are still able to talk about any topic. We still laugh together and we still cry. I have not been this moved by a man, ever. I understand that he is miles away and our being together again may never happen. I value the few moments that we have had lately.

He is Florentino and I am Fermina. Our two worlds collided once and we never forgot each other and due to circumstances beyond our control we cannot be together. Worlds apart yet always together.

If this message was ever intended to influence anyone, let it be this, that you take away: You may only get one chance at true love. If you and another feel strongly about each other, then take that leap and never let it go. Once it is lost, you may never get it back again.

If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn't, it never was.

The Management of Emotion

2009-10-18T19:17:00.001-07:00

They have a course called "Anger Management" somewhere. I don't know where because I haven't needed it. What about a course on "Emotion Management." Right now it is not just about the anger it is about the whole spectrum of emotions. I'm tired (and broke). I have been trying to work out for about 30 minutes a day about every other day. Not much by fitness standards, but MILESTONES for me. I despise exercise. I like eating, sometimes too much. There in lies a battle of massive proportion. So right now I have aches in places that I didn't think I had. So when I'm tired, I don't do housework, I yell at Grace all the time and every little thing gets to me.

Tonight I went to a meeting. The auditorium that this meeting is in is not very big and for my enormous butt it is not very comfortable. I sat in a spot where I thought no one else would go to. I was mistaken. I left my seat to go take something to the front and I came back and someone was sitting in my seat. But that's not the part that pissed me off. When I picked up my purse and moved two seats down the fella says something about me moving. I told him I just like to have my space. I'm not a mind reader and I don't know any psychics that could help with that, but I got the feeling he was kind of hurt that I moved. Truthfully, I don't care. But whenever I get the vibe of hurting someone or feel like I'm being confronted, I get defensive and I spend the wasted effort of justifying myself. When someone questions my actions or intentions I immediately do this.

It boils down to thinking too much. If I could just accept what is thrown at me without any thought whatsoever I think I would be a happier person. But I spend that extra energy making up excuses for whatever emotion I have. I feel like I need to validate the feelings. So by making excuses whether verbally or mentally, I still make them. So I need to attend "Emotion Management" classes.

Word/Definition for the day - Excuse(s) - A reason(s) alleged for the doing or not doing a thing or things.

Control Freak or What?

2009-10-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

I find it hard to let myself release control to anyone much less God. I am always trying to control whatever situation I find myself in. How do you let go of control and lift it up to that higher power? How do I know for sure that he/she will take care of me? I’ve taken care of me for so long, alone with no help.

Maybe it all boils down to trust and faith. Maybe I can’t let myself give in to trust in that higher power. The very definition of Trust is to rely on the truthfulness and accuracy of something; to rely on something confidently. Maybe that is the root of my trust, that I don’t have the confidence in others to rely on them or that I doubt their truthfulness.

I have very few friends that I have allowed into the inner sanctum of my heart; very few friends that know the true me. They are the people I go to when I need to share myself, whether that be happy or sad.

I am a sensory person. I have to be able to touch someone to trust in them. They have to be concrete. I believe this is why I have trouble giving control to that higher power. I will never truly be a child of Christ or God if I can’t relinquish the reins. Some say it is not enough to just believe they exist, that you have to give yourself completely to that power. That makes me wonder if I will ever see my beloved sister at the gates of heaven.

Will I spend my after life in torture of being controlled by others?

Writer's Block etc

2009-10-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

So, I've not been writing like I intended. I did about 25 pages and I got stuck. It's the same with exercising. I want to exercise most days, other days I just want to retreat to my bedroom with my latest sexy vampire novel. I think that I thought it would be SO easy. It takes committment and I realized that I'm afraid of committment. I'm afraid to take the steps it takes to move forward. Everything I've done it seems I quit doing soon after I start. The only thing I have continually kept up with is jewelry making. I love making that. And maybe because it doesn't feel like work is why I like it. It relaxes me. But writing to me is work. I can't get my head around it sometimes. I believe because it means I put too much thought into what i put down. If I write like I think, it's much easier. But my tendency is to edit while I write and then I perseverate over the plot or the fact that what I've written makes no sense in the story.

Committment by definition is the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action. I am afraid of the binding myself to anyone or anything. If I write the book then I am committing myself to potential failure by it not being good or published. If I commit to a relationship then I give in to the potential failure of that as well. I guess all in all I'm afraid of failure period. If I don't try then I won't fail. It all boils down to FEAR.

The only way to conquer fear is to address it head on. But how do you conquer fear over something so elusive as men?

To the moon and back again

2009-08-19T08:40:00.000-07:00

Well it's been awhile since I've written here. I kept thinking it was a dead art. But I realize that if I don't write every so often I lose touch with everything.

I have been reading A LOT lately. Going back and forth between Sherrilyn Kenyon's Dark Hunter books to Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake and Meredith Gentry series. There's so much material to cover. I find myself opening the books as I lay down to bed and before I know it it's midnight and I have to be up at 6 or 7ish. Lately it's been 7ish.

Today I woke at 5:45. On purpose. I have been aspiring to write about my experiences on ships. I have two quandaries about this. Some of it is personal and some of it is made up. I think I just need to write about it then go from there as to what to do with the information. There are people in my experiences that could be hurt but at the same time, what I write about them might be fictional. Of course the names will change and I may have to change some nationalities because my circle of friends was distinct. I have friends from Norway, Holland, England, Ireland, Germany, and of course the USA. So if I write about these people as they are from these various countries, folks will know it's them.

So I woke at 5:45 to write 2 pages. I realize that I am not a morning person and I think that I might write better right before bed but that goes into my reading time. On Laurell K. Hamilton's blog she wrote about her process and that she sat down every morning at 5 am and wrote 2 pages. So I couldn't sleep last night and I sat down at 9pm and wrote 3 pages. She also said not to edit it, just write it. I also got up this morning and wrote 2 more pages. I tested it and I think better at night. It might also help me wind down. I'll test both and maybe alternate weeks. I hope to have a workable piece by spring.

Friendships and Men ARGH!

2009-01-20T06:45:00.000-08:00

I've not posted in a while and I had just about given up this whole blog thing but I have to put this out there>>>

I'm mad. Yes mad. I just realized that because I'm a single woman who has a child I'm pegged as someone who is trying to "find a man". Having a man would be nice. But I've lived this long without one. I think I could handle going a bit longer without one. What I want most is companionship. Male friendships. But men won't give you a chance if they know you're single and looking. So I'm offically "not looking" anymore. Can't a man and woman just go out and have a good time as friends without the idea of the ominous "relationship". Yes it could potentially enter both of their minds, but does it have to be said out loud?

What I want is to just hang out with guy friends and not have to think every minute that they are worrying whether or not I'm wanting a dad for my daughter or that i'm looking for a husband. Hell it would be nice just to have a shag occasionally but because I'm a single mother I have to self protect. I don't want my daughter to be brought up with men coming in and out of our lives like that.

To be quite honest, being in a relationship is hard work. I'm not sure I could handle more than a friendship. But in order to even get to the "friendship" part, You men HAVE to get over this idea that women just want a husband.

So I'm just going to be me and if you like me and you want to be my friend that's great! If you don't, well then you don't have to be my friend.

The price of a dollar

2008-04-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

How much is a dollar worth today? How can I stretch it to cover 5 whole weeks? We have two months in a row that are technically 5 weeks. I don't live extravagantly. I rarely buy things for myself. So when I get some extra $$ like income tax returns and this stimulus check, I usually buy myself something nice. However with the extra money we will be getting from brother Bush, I am going to buy a new car. No the entire check will not even cover a new car but it will cover some of the down payment or even the sales tax.

The part that is anxiety provoking is getting a car payment that I can't afford. Or being suckered into a car that doesn't get good gas mileage or hold my camping gear. I just have to be prepared to walk away.

I was in a desperate situation last time and I walked away with the worst deal ever, and no a/c in the car. They wanted to tack on $50 more to the car payment to install the a/c. So my anxieties are up and have been for a while now just thinking about getting a new car.

It's like after I pay all the bills for the month, I have about $200 to spend on groceries and what not. It's not much to live on for 5 weeks. So how do I stretch that $200 as far as it will go?

Life's not as bad as it seems :)

2008-04-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

Ok. So my last post is nothing compared to what the folks in Greensburg Kansas experienced. They lost everything. It flattened the entire town. Can you imagine having to rebuild everything?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/6628613.stm

I am about to go car shopping again. It's an anxiety provoking event. I get excited thinking about getting a new car but then my fears sink in about financing it. If I buy a new car, I'll have a car payment and likely higher insurance. I am pretty sure I can handle either of these but its the what if's that get me all worked up. It's part of the reason I've not bought a house yet. If there was a significant other it might be different. There would be two incomes coming in and I wouldn't have to worry so much about bills all the time. I wouldn't mean I could go out and do anything I wanted but it would allow for some wiggle room in finances. Right now it's tight! I need to know that everything is going to be ok.

I also know that this cannot last forever. I just have to be patient and give my worries to a higher power. Because in order to have peace of mind, I have to resign as the general manager of the universe.

Ashley

The War Zone

2008-04-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

Well now that my anxieties have lessened, I think I might be able to write about it. On April 3, we came the closest to ever being hit by a tornado.

It was stormy and I was watching the news. Grace came and crawled in bed with me because the storm was so bad. I'm glad I let her. The power went out which meant no TV. The tornado sirens started the minute the cloud hit Pulaski County. My brother called and asked if I'd heard from mom and dad. I had not but assured him that they were ok. Because nothing bad ever happens. After I spoke with him I decided we'd better get back to bed. I'd gotten up to get something and grace followed me. I was at the door to the bedroom and I heard this big whoosh. It sounded like a big toilet flushing. I pushed Grace into the bathroom and said get in there. By the time we made it in...it was over.

I went outside and saw a tree down in our yard. I said "oh my a tree fell down". Then I looked up to the skyline and ALL the trees were gone. I started to freak out. Just 10 minutes ago I was assuring my brother that everything was fine and here I was being the biggest hippocrite. Everything was not fine. My parents were ok but after I realized what had just happened I was not fine. I wanted to leave but couldn't. I couldn't have gotten out if I wanted to - all the streets were blocked.

Within a few hours the fire and rescue crews were out estimating damages and chopping up trees that had fallen across the road. It was traumatic. It pales in comparison to what would have happened if it had touched down. But still traumatic none the less. Just knowing how close it came. It was an F1 or F2 tornado that skimmed the tree line. Anything that was over 50 ft was pulled out of the ground like a daisy. Then was hoisted onto whatever was in its path. Most of the houses suffered damage from the trees and not high winds. The next door neighbor had both of their cars crushed with a 60 ft oak tree. And the neighbors across the street have about 10 trees piled in their ravine.

Needless to say when storms approach I get anxious now. Especially since I work in a Trailer. I will be in this trailer until Dec. So I apologize to all my office mates if I seem a little jumpy during thunderstorms.

Love and blah blah blah

2008-03-28T08:34:00.001-07:00

We went to eat at mikey and jennifer's house yesterday. We all sat down to dinner and grace said something about having babies or marriage or something of that sort. Then someone asks her "What do you have to say about it?"

She responds that first you have to get a boyfriend then you go on a date. Then its blah blah blah then you get married and then have babies. We asked her what the blah blah blah meant. She said Love, Love, Love. So for the rest of the night anything that had to do with the period of time between dating and marriage was blah blah blah. Where does she come up with this stuff?!?!?

My daughter is so funny. I love her to pieces.

SNOW DAY!!!

2008-03-08T16:56:00.001-08:00

Every year it snows. I try to take a picture of Grace's shoe and mine in the snow. Here is this year's photo. My her feet have grown!!

Snow Angel! If you look close you can see a face!

Our little snow girl and boy!

Gracie and the lizards

2008-03-06T21:34:00.000-08:00

Grace has gotten good at catching lizards, frogs, catepillars, turtles, etc. She loves these things. She won't touch a roach or an ant. But she'll look for hours for the less creepy critters. My mom said she caught six this past weekend. My child - the future herpetologist or entomologist. Go figure?!?!

They give me the willies.

Jordana Montana

2008-02-27T10:04:00.001-08:00

I couldn't imbed the video. Try the link.

It's not the singing that has me laughing so hard...it's the dance moves. She reminds me of Mary Katherine Gallagher from SNL.

The little things

2008-02-26T19:38:00.000-08:00

I came into Grace's room and I found these notes stuck on her dresser. She had named each drawer. See if you can tell what each item is...

tights, panties (cuz boys wear underwear girls wear panties), socks, pajamas, and my most favorite...swimming suits. This has GOT to be my favorite age!!!

"Hell" on wheels

2008-02-26T18:56:00.000-08:00

So we went to Savers to look for a kitchen table. Grace found these roller skates for $2. I'm chicken shit about letting her go outside with them yet. So I told her she could only use then inside the house. My mother would have a COW!! The way I figure...she can hurt herself less inside until she gets used to being on them.

Aren't the pigtails cute?!?!!? She's definitely got the Lavender gene.

ttfn

Waitress

2008-02-26T10:36:00.000-08:00

I have movies sent to my home. It's nice. Sometimes, it's nice when you get a movie on your list you weren't expecting yet. I got "Waitress" the other day. It sat on my dresser for a week before I watched it. Not because I didn't have the time but because I had my doubts whether I would like itor not. I saw it sitting there in its yellow and blue packaging...doubting whether I'd watch it or take it to the store and trade it in...so late Fri night I finally turned it on.

I loved it!!! I fell in love with the hero and heroine. It helps that the doctor is soooo good looking but there were some poignant moments that caught me off guard. Keri Russell plays a waitress in a loveless controlled marriage who finds out she's pregnant. The only thing she knows she's good at is making pies. She forms an adulterous relationship with her OB doctor played by Nathan Fillion (from Firefly/Serenity). I wanted her to run away with him...but I won't tell you whether she does or not because that would ruin the story. She wins his heart by making pies. She makes all sorts of pies and thinks up names like "Pregnant Miserable Self Pitying Loser Pie" or "I Can't Have No Affair Because It's Wrong And I Don't Want Earl To Kill Me Pie" or "Earl Murders Me Because I'm Having An Affair Pie" or best yet "I Hate My Husband Pie". She makes the ingredients up in her head as she has down time.

Her waitress friends give her a journal where she is to write letters to the baby. There's one that touches my heart. She writes:
Dear Baby,
I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it.

When the affair is at its peak she says "I was addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone".

I ended up watching it twice that night. It's quirky in parts and lovable in others but most of all it made my heart glow.

TTFN

Is it all bogus?

2008-02-19T19:30:00.001-08:00

Did I honestly think I was going to meet someone on eharmony? Come to find out, most folks pay the first three months and then when their 3 months is up they cancel their account. Their profile is still there. So I'm self communicating. It's kind of like self medicating but without the medication. There is one man I've been bantering back and forth with questions. We're in the 3.8th stage of guided communication. I'm not feeling it.

My initial feeling was that I liked his funny photo...No...not the main one but the one where he's laughing. (Sorry, once you post your picture to eharmony it becomes their property and I can't cut and paste it here)....Oh I'm sure there's a way...But I have yet to figure that out. I'd just like to know...how are you supposed to share this info with your friends. To see what they think?

I still have yet to decide if I like this guided communication. It's a much slower way to get to know one another. I think it helps one decide what they do and don't like. The list of must haves and can't stands are quite extensive and mine are pretty to the point.

It all comes down to...will that person accept me as me and not try to change me? and vice versa. There are compromises for sure. (oh my now I have to go watch Valley Girl!!!) I don't want to walk into any relationship wanting to control it or change it but it happens...it happens all to often.

Matching

2008-02-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

Ok...So I joined Eharmony. I paid for the subscription because it was 1/2 price. I'm still weighing out the pros and cons of it. Basically, it's a way to sell yourself to "the perfect mate". I'm not big on selling myself. I think that the whole internet dating thing is kind of silly and very misrepresentative. Whoah that was a big word!! I met someone a couple of years ago on an internet dating site that ended up being married. He was only looking for an afternoon delight. He wasn't all that interesting to begin with but I thought I'd give him a chance.

Then I tried the speed dating thing...I met a couple of men through that. One wanted me to read his mind and sent mixed messages and the other had personal space and boundary issues. (he also had little man syndrome in which he compensated by having expensive yet run down things).

But none of these men had enough to bring them into my life with Grace. Above all my future mate has to have the capacity to love me as well as my daughter. She is my other half.

Back to Eharmony...I was chicken at first to send out initial emails but now I'm just like fuck it...if they don't respond or they aren't interested it's no loss. I've not lost anything from it. And rejection is ok. It makes me stronger right?!?!? So wish me luck on my search.

If you know of any down to earth men who like to do woodworking, landscaping, traveling and such send them my way. I just might be interested.

Au Revoir mes amis

Sacrifices

2008-01-25T06:19:00.000-08:00

I thought about a lady at work today. She met a man and is giving up her job, comforts of her home, etc. to marry him and live in the small town he is from. Then I began thinking if I could do that for someone.

I realized that I've already made a decision like that. Grace's dad is from Bogota Colombia. I met him on cruise ships. I wasn't even really that in love with him in the first place. I just thought he was handsome and had a nice smile. I walked past him in the corridors on the ship and would blush and smile which he returned. So we met in the crew bar (I guess you'd call that a "date" in cruise ship terms). We had a few drinks and then I went back to his cabin. For lack of better words, I spent the night with him. The next morning during my walk of shame, (That's when you have to walk the long mile back to your cabin in the clothes you wore the night before. Believe me folks noticed those things.) Anyway, during the walk of shame I had this funny feeling, kind of nauseating feeling. I thought to myself wouldn't it be funny if I wound up pregnant.

But it wasn't funny. I was 31 years old and too old not to have a baby and take responsibilty for it. I made the decision to have her. I also chose to tell him. Which I thought at the time would be a positive. He became more possessive. I stayed on the ship for 3 months while I was pregnant. Ceasing all my alcohol and smoking. I don't know if anyone noticed or not but on ships you couldn't reveal it or you were fired. I gave my notice and took a 60 hour bus ride home from Vancouver.

When I got home I secured a job and a home and then I told my family I was pregnant. I kept in touch with her dad on a weekly basis. With every phone call, I got more uneasy about being involved with him. He wanted to control every move I made from 2000 miles away. When he went home for vacation, he set it up so I could come and live with his mother when he went back out on ships. At first I considered it, but the more I talked to him the more uneasy I became with the whole situation.

About the time I had Grace, I had not heard from him in 6 weeks. I made the decision to give her my last name. He finally called 2 weeks after she was born. He announced he would like to come visit. He met her when she was 7 weeks old. One week before I started working at a new job. He was good with her but there was nothing between us. I tried but there was nothing there. After he left I made a decision to end the relationship.

There was talk of marriage but I could never get him to commit to help sending me money much less help with the whole immigration issue. So I told him I didn't want to be involved with him anymore but I would keep in touch with him because of our daughter. He continued to be possessive and demanding 2000 miles away. I ended the calls and changed our phone number. I didn't need the added stress in my life.

About August of Grace's 5th year, he emailed me. He said that he missed me and wanted to know how our daughter was doing. I thought I would try and give him another chance. But to be together just for the sake of a child is wrong. He was charming as ever and I was at a weak point. He started in with the possessiveness again. I ended communication. I explained to him so many times that relationships take work. You can't expect to change another person and you just have accept them for who they are. I tried to accept him as he was but that is not the kind of life I want for me or my child. I realize sacrifices have to be made in all relationships but there was no compromising on his part. He verbally said he would compromise but his actions spoke louder than words. To this day I feel bad because Grace doesn't know her dad but at the same time lucky that I didn't put her through the drama that would have certainly followed by being involved with him.

I know it's long but it's riveting stuff huh?

Atonement

2008-01-24T12:49:00.000-08:00

I went to see Atonement the other day. By myself thankfully, because I would probably have been too embarrased to be with anyone else because of the hot and steamy sex scene. OMG! Anyway, I can't stop thinking about it. A child sees something she doesn't understand and reports it to the police causing this man to be sent to prison. He's given the choice of going to prison or going into the military. He chooses the military. Either way he is parted from his true love for a crime he didn't commit. He gets to see her a few times but is still parted. I won't reveal the end because it is not at all what you expect.

It's a powerful love story. Very powerful. If it weren't for the cutting back and forth from present to past back to present again, I might still be "in" the movie (my mind only). Sometimes, I think about a movie long after I've seen it. If its really good, I'm haunted by images for weeks.

If you haven't seen it, be prepared, it has a pretty explicit love scene (best I've seen in a while) and there's nothing like seeing foul language typed across a 70 ft movie screen.

What's in a name? II

2008-01-24T11:20:00.000-08:00

Why is choosing a name so difficult? I had Grace's name picked out in the 1st trimester. If she would have been a boy she'd have been John David. But in the beginning I was torn with Audrey or Grace. I'm so glad I went with Grace. She is actually not a Grace but a Gracie. Gracie seems to have more spunk. And she's definitely got spunk.

Getting back to the choosing a name. I have been in the SCA "officially" now for 1 year. I've been playing for 2. Although I don't go to every single event, I've gone to about 4 this past year. With the help of fellow SCA friends I have narrowed down my name to this: Freyja Rødhåret. What that translates to is red headed godess of earth & fertility. It also means "Lady"(kind of apropos).
I found two spellings of Freya and Freyja. I think the pronunciation of Freyja is Fraya. The pronunciation of Rødhåret is rudhoarut. Using a short u as in the word "blood".

Tune in for more....

My new favorite photo

2007-12-21T14:05:00.000-08:00

Grace 10/21/07

Cheers to the NeW YeAr!

2007-12-21T13:34:00.001-08:00

Wow! Has it really been that long since I last posted? I was reunited with my suitcase a week later...everything in tact. I guess the thought of someone else actually having it was more alarming than if it were sitting all alone somewhere waiting to be picked up.

Christmas will be here very soon. I have everything all done. My birthday is 3 days after Christmas and Grace's is two weeks. It seems like just when we get done with one event there is another.

We're also moving. I am so thankful for that. I am feeling the stress of living under close quarters. Been feeling it for some time. I think the one bedroom thing has been prohibitive of me dating. I can't wait for Grace to have her own space. It will be so good for her. I hope it will allow her to grow. I thought about how we've lived since she was born. I have only had a 2 bedroom apartment for 18 months of her life. In those 18 months, she was scared to be in her own room. Now I think she'll love it and will be ready. I am ready. right now our living room is cut in half with bookshelves and curtains and she has a "space". But no door. I'm planning to move most of my boxes and stuff on Thursday and Friday. I have some friends coming to help on Saturday. Just looking forward to a fresh start. I do not intend to move again until I buy my own house!! Well that's all for now.

Sending love and hugs to all for the new year!
Til then...

10 days away

2007-11-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

I had 10 days of vacation...I tried not to think of my duties at home. I really did escape for about 8 of those days and the last two, I really started missing home.

I flew to Orlando on Oct 24th. Leaving behind my 6 year old and my present life. I met with Bianca from Holland. She still looks the same! Where I have gained like 50 pounds or more since ships, she didn't care. It felt good to see her again. We stayed at the Marriott Village about a 15 minute walk to the Orlando trolley system. We bought a 3 day pass for the trolley. We rode up and down International Drive every day. Making stops at places like Ron Jon's surf shop. I think I've converted her to a surfer girl! My other friend Kristine from Norway came on the 24th as well. We texted eachother since calling was much more expensive. She and her friend Wenche (pronounced Vinke) went to disney the first few days. On the 27th Bianca and I went to avis and rented a car to drive to Miami. We signed me up as a second driver. The total cost of the car was about $160 split 4 ways was about 40 each. Not too bad. We even got a GPS device which konked out on us right as we were pulling into Miami. Luckily I'd remembered driving in before and found our way to the port.

On to the ship...Checking in early doesn't always have its advantages. We'd been up since 4 am and were really tired and just wanted to sit down and relax. AND it was hot and humid. So we found a spot by the pool...I was really cranky so I took a happy pill and went and got the drink of the day. Beats me what it was but it came in a bright pink glass and went down quicker than water. I needed to relax and there's nothing like forced relaxation. I don't even remember unpacking...I do remember my first impression of the room...that it was quite cushy for an inside cabin. Kristine and Wenche got a balcony cabin. We had a champagne bottle waiting for us which we didn't even open until the last day.

We went to dinner with the reunion group which was our first experience with the new Freestyle cruising. It seemed to be more chaotic. The waiters and waitresses wouldn't know when people would be coming in. I imagine the cooks were pretty crazy in the back too. We went to the hospitality desk for our group...they'd run out of the xl or xxl. So I got a small for grace. I would find I will regret this later when they asked me to put it on for the group photos!! the group organizer found a large for me to squeeze into...I looked like a sausage. We were too late to meet the captain at the captains cocktail party. But weren't too late to get 4 rum punches down each. We went to dinner after that, I think.

First port of call was Cozumel. We shopped amongst the mexicans saying "hey pretty seniorita come and see my wares..." They still do this after 10 years. You pretend not to notice them and if you want to go in their shops...you go in. We ate at Hard Rock Cafe. I went back to the ship early because I was so tired.

the second port of call was Grand Cayman. Kristine, Wenche and I went on the turtles and stingray tour. The weather was bad the day before so we couldn't tender in to the downtown area. We had to go about 20 minutes away. There were 3 ships in that day. Mass chaos trying to find our tour. We finally found the tour. Had a glorious time. See photo above. I talked to the tour person for the stingrays and he said they almost had to cancel all the tours that day because of the waves. Normally, you stand in 3 ft of water. But when a 6 ft wave comes and moves you to a different location...you get scared of stepping on a ray and the chance it would sting. I was still a little scared but felt better when the diver held it for me then I got to hold it by myself. It was so much fun and for the 1 hour we were out there, I forgot about everything in my life. The lines in my forehead disappeared and the lines around my mouth increased. Even the pain in my knee (which I'd twisted trying not to step on a ray) went away.

We had dinner with Clare and her fiancee Andy, Jo and her husband David, and the four of us. 8 people for 8pm at Summer Palace. It was a lovely evening and we even attended a halloween party.

The sea day on the way back was very rough. I felt like I was on a speedboat chopping through waves caused by other speedboats. But there was nothing but mother nature out there. I definitely had a PMS day. I was feeling really down. I thought it was because I missed Grace but I think it was more hormonal. Everything set me off. I didn't want to be around anyone. So I went out on deck with my book and fell asleep on the deck chair. I slept for a couple of hours. We had our group photo that day. And feeling super fat and unattractive and aching all over I felt like a super sausage shoved into my too small shirt.

Later, after I'd broken the cork on the champagne, I felt a little better. I now realize that I don't like drinking so much. It was time to pack and I was tired so I just threw everything in and then we went bowling (yep bowling on a cruise ship). Had a Jamaican man tell me he'd never seen my color hair before (I mean really looking at it). Decided after the wine at dinner I didn't need to drink alcohol anymore (just for the cruise). We went back to the cabin and put the luggage outside. That's the last I saw of it.

I said goodbye to Kristine, Wenche, & Bianca and went to join the tour of Miami. As I left the ship, I went to where my luggage should have been and mine was not there. I did everything I was supposed to do. It was not there. It had everything in it. All the souvenirs I'd bought for my family, friends, etc. It has half of my wardrobe (the part I wear the most). My new blue jeans...what can I say, I feel lost. They said they might bring it to the airport since my flight wasn't until 5pm. But it never arrived. They said it might be 5-10 days before I receive it. Which gives me some hope. But when you're PMSing and tired, not finding your luggage is not good. I snapped at the guy at the NCL desk at the airport because he had no idea what I was talking about. I thought maybe I was speaking a foreing language...but I just screamed and crumpled up the form I received at the pier and left.

All I can say is that I'm home now and I have prayed to God for forgiveness for my behavior and to have enough faith in the system that I will be reunited with my suitcase. And I have some wonderful memories.

Various tidbits about everything

2007-10-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

I've been scanning photos of Jenny lately. I even found some videos that I forgot I recorded. It's hard to believe it's been 6 years since she died. She will forever remain in my heart and mind as a ray of sunshine. I also found this smiley face note that she just wrote thoughts or quotes on.

There are times when I feel like she never existed, like it was a part of my past that was ethereal. I guess I try so hard to put it out of my mind. But with every new death it becomes a reality again. As if I lose her all over again.

Our family friend Judy is in a coma. They decided it was the humane thing to remove the assistance tubes and let her pass on gently. However, she is holding on. It is almost as painful to her family just sitting there with her waiting for her to die. They want her to be at peace. We all do. I'd love to be able to do something for them but I don't know what. I feel I should call and let them know they're all in my thoughts but one more call is the last thing they need right now. It's just really sad because she is such a wonderful person.
more later....

Spastic Mind

2007-09-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

Have you ever met someone that evoked the "hiss" response? I know that this is like fight or flight responses, but there is this person (and her assistant) that I have to deal with occasionally that just make me want to walk away from my job. I know that there will always be these people in my life who irritate me, it doesn't mean I have to like it.

One of our faculty has a speaking engagement today. I arrange for speakers but that is the scope of my job: to make travel arrangements for the speaker, to make sure that people are notified of the speaker, to offer assistance at sign in, make sure there is coffee and that the speaker has something to drink. Most speakers have their presentations well rehearsed and prepared weeks in advance. Yesterday I got a call from the assistant asking about a video release form. Like I would have this AND know where to find it. Then, I get a call this morning about creating the presentation with the video clips. Once again the scope of my knowledge for this type of thing is limited. IF I'd been asked weeks ago and not the day of, I might have been able to be more helpful. But this is their MO, wait until the last minute and rely on other people to pull it together, then expect it to go smoothly. I will try to keep a positive attitude because I know that these two people are (for lack of better word) ditzy. I may have to take a valium before the talk so that I don't go off on them.

just breathe....

Just rambling on

2007-09-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

I have fondled with the idea of going back to school. In order to go back though, I have to take a standardized test. If I want to go to law school, I have to take the LSAT and if I just want to go here at UAMS I have to take the GRE. Either way, it costs money and I don't do well on standardized tests. I could also go the education route and take the Praxis exam again. I took this a million years ago and made decent scores but since all those years have passed, the scores mean nothing. I like having my "me" time but I also like learning. I remember my final semester at UALR, being so relieved it was almost over but torn that I would no longer have the knowledge seeping in.

I have remedied that somewhat. Since being in the SCA, I have checked out more history books than I ever imagined I'd read. Some of them I'd just peruse and some I read. To me it is so fascinating that there are places around the world that contain a frozen moment in time. Someone uncovers a lost city or artifact that links back thousands of years. I visited Pompeii in 1998 and I was amazed how much they uncovered from the volcanic eruption of Mt. Etna thousands of years ago. Some items were protected in the lava sediment and some were vaporized. The archaeologist had the fortitude to pour cement into cavities revealing the people who perished. The streets and buildings were somewhat rebuilt but the lifestyle was frozen.

Then there are things like the Roman Empire and how various cultures collided. How they just seemed to take over the world and come to an abrupt halt. I never really understood that until I went to Europe. Over there everything seems old because it is. Our country is an infant compared to Europe and Asia. I suppose it's only a matter of time before someone discovers a lost city in America. Everyone is moving too fast to see it though.

Maybe I should become an archaeologist? That would mean more school...hmmm...

Weary

2007-09-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

I am so weary. I'm tired and I'm sick. I have had this cough for almost 3 weeks now. It's expensive to go to the doctor. You have to pay a copay for the Dr visit then they write you a prescription that you have to have filled. That costs anywhere from $10-$50. I don't know about you but that's like $70 a pop. I don't have that kind of money. I have a huge gripe about the cost of health care...the poor get it free and the rich can afford it. So it falls to the middle man to suffer the burden of the cost of health care. To have the MRI of my knee was $800 out of pocket, then to have the xrays was another $200. Then there was the physical therapy that was over $100 a visit. My out of pocket expense ended up being $300. When am I going to have over 1k to pay all of this? They will accept monthly payments but not the $20 I can afford but they want $50 and they won't take less than that. So how am I supposed to be able afford to go to the doctor have prescriptions filled and get all my medical needs taken care of. To top it off going to a specialist, like an allergist, dermatologist (to check my moles), or psychiatrist (to check my head) costs $35 a visit. So if I go for regular visits to a psychiatrist it is at least $55 a month. So what's a person to do?

So if you want to work a job that pays nothing but you get health care free. These type jobs are no brainers. But if you want to have a job that is substantial and you actually use your brains, you better be healthy. Because the cost of having to see a doctor will pretty much equal out what you may pay wise. The only solution is to win the lottery and become filthy rich.

ragweed, dust & mid summer knights dream

2007-09-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

So this weekend we had an event. I left work early so I could make it before dark to set up the tent. the drive was beautiful and we passed Mt. Magazine on the way. When we got there I was all ready to set up the tent and called my friend to tell her they didn't have electricity at the campsites for her breathing machine. (breathing...hmm....kind of a necessity to have electricity for). I asked if there was any cabin space left and a kind woman called the autocrat and asked. Luckily there was space in one cabin. Yeah!!

I personally wouldn't have minded sleeping in the tent especially after I saw the cabins. There were 2 bunk beds - of the 4 beds there were only 3 mattresses and only one of those was fit to sleep on. I would have even slept on the floor if I'd have needed to but Grace slept on one of the bunks without a mattress. I left the light on all night because I thought there were going to be more people coming in. It made for a long night not to mention my allergies were starting to kick in from all the dust from the traffic on the dirt road, the high ragweed count, and the probability that horses and hay were recently on the road. So I woke up Saturday not really feeling like I wanted to engage. We walked to the pavilion and went over to set our chairs up. I was so tired I just sat right down. Grace says "Mama, shouldn't we be helping someone instead of sitting?" It made proud as a parent for her to say this. So we went and found someone to help.

I offered to help with children's activities and then we had to leave at 1:30 to take Grace to my uncle who would be watching her that night. Just so you know Arkansas State Highway 215 does NOT cross the Arkansas river!! It might seem like it on the map but let me assure you it does not. I added 45 minutes on to our trip by taking this route. I made it back to camp at 5:15 where I showered and got dressed for feast. Let me just say Feast was awesome! It was made by one of the siege cooking teams (like Iron Chef for the middle ages). We had Turkish dishes that were just divine. I still don't know who won the cooking tournament. Afterwards we went to clean up and then I sat in the feast hall for awhile chatting with a charming man. He is interesting. Cute and charming and the type of person I could go for. I noticed him on previous occasions. We had a lot in common. That's all I'm going to say on that....

We had the autocrat come ask us if the two beds were still available. I said yes but the mattresses will need to be moved and they are too heavy for me to do. Then the person who would be moving asked if the were upper or lower bunks. I said upper. Because after all we'd gotten there first...as it was first come first served (at least that's what the flyer said). So I told her there were two top bunks and the mattresses were gross and that they'd have to have some one move them. She kept hinting for one of us to move to a top bunk. But I thought we did get there first. if they want to move then they'll have to take the other bunks. I felt like she was trying to make me feel guilty for having the bottom bunk. When we went to bed at 11:00 they still hadn't moved in. So we turned the lights off and went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning with pain in my back and chest. And a full blown asthma attack and the cough from hell. I decided it was time to leave. I left the same time as Mj. Drove to Rogers NOT taking AR hwy 215. and made it there in 1 1/2 hours. Now I'm on steroid inhalers and nose sprays to alleviate the awful allergic repercussions of the weekend.

...

Sweet Dreams of Sparta, Stardust, & Legions

2007-08-23T12:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, now I really know I was sick. My last post I finished by saying I was going to re-upholster the house. I certainly did not mean to do that much!! I just meant my sofa.

After watching 300 several times while it was in my possession, I had some very peculiar dreams. One of which was about all these Spartan men surrounding me in their half naked, 6 pack ab, black leather underpants(I'm not really sure what you'd call this!) and dancing and fighting all around me. Naughty thoughts....shame on me. Maybe it's the antibiotics;)

I am finally "well" enough to return to work. I have been on antibiotics for several days. I really didn't feel bad except for Saturday or Sunday. So after being at home Sat through Mon and rarely leaving the house on Monday, I decided to use my free movie tickets. I thought what harm could it do for me to go to an empty movie theater. I saw the movie "The Last Legion" on Tuesday. I love Colin Firth and I love the little guy who plays Romulus in the movie. It was a pretty good movie and made me wish I knew how to fight like the Indian chick.

On Wednesday, I asked my sister if she wanted to go and use another movie pass with me. We went to see "Stardust". What a fantastic movie!! We had the entire theater to ourselves and at the end there was a standing ovation on screen so I stood up and clapped my hands joyfully. I gazed around at the empty seats and moved my hand about showing them the wonderful thing happening on screen. Then took a bow. It was wonderful to do something so silly so spontaneous. I could never do anything like that in front of lots of people. Oh what a day!

300

2007-08-21T05:12:00.000-07:00

I am sick. Have been all weekend. Come to find out I have strep throat. I just pray that Grace doesn't get it. I ran a fever on Sat. I never run a fever when I'm sick. So I have to stay home from work.

I rented the movie 300. I saw it two weeks ago at my friend Dayna's house. I have never been into watching films with lots of blood and guts. But this film was so beautifully done it was amazing. And the men, Oh the men, not one but all of the spartans were sexy. I know they technically enhanced the color but I wonder if each of these men had an authentic 8pack. They were just hot not to mention the black leather underpants and red capes. I had to rent it myself and watch it again. I had my doubts at first. It was you know...one of those guy movies. But this movie had something for both men and women. It was worth it to hear king leoniadis yell, "Spartans, prepare to meet glory!" Hmmm, yummy. He could come scream that at my house any time! (of course...only if he brought a few of his fellow spartans)

Oh well, another day trapped in the house. maybe i'll finish reupholstering my house. :)

the overflowing weekend

2007-08-13T08:01:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those weekends where you never seem to stop? This was one of those weekends. Friday was drop off for our yard sale on Sat. Folks were to bring by stuff to sell at the yard sale for one of our SCA projects. We had a few folks drop stuff off but mainly the people who tended the yard sale had the most stuff.

Friday night we had the baroness and her daughter over to spend the night so they wouldn't have to drive all the way over the next morning at 5 am. So I spent the week cleaning. I wonder if my house has ever been so clean? With the exception of Grace's space and my computer area, the house was spotless. I even vacuumed! I went to the liquor store because I wasn't sure who all was coming to our house. She ended up bringing a LARGE bottle of my favorite wine. Most folks I invited in but they said no thanks and hurried off. I made my grandma's homemade mac & cheese.

Sat morning before the sun even thought about coming up there were a host of folks and lots of cars and trucks with trailers. We hauled the stuff down to the church parking lot. All was ok until about 10:30 when god turned up the heat. I swear it went from a slightly humid 75-80 to like 100 degrees with a heat index of 300 in a manner of minutes. At one point we were asking people to fill a wal-mart bag full of stuff for $1. I can't believe no one was interested in the treadmill. For $15 it was a bargain. So it ended up back at my house because it didn't sell and was going to charity anyway. I found about 10 yards of this silver canvas material. It is enough to re-cover my sofa. Grace ended up having a melt down as we were packing stuff up. I was so hot that I had to take a cold shower to cool down.

Later we went to MJ's house where her 12 yo stepson made dinner. He did such a good job. It was a fantastic meal. It hit the spot after an incredibly hot day.

Sunday we got up early to go to church because we had missed the last 3 weeks. Then we went to help at the bridal fair with MJ.We helped set up then went to the Firefly studio so Grace could paint a platter that Ellon bought her for the fundraiser for Centers for Youth and Families. Then we went back to the fair. There were lots of incredible ideas for weddings but many were expensive. I don't know that I would pay that much for something I could make myself. So by the time we got home Sunday I was so tired. Although, I made the mistake of measuring that fabric for the sofa and started on it. I should know better than starting something like this. Because I get in a fury to finish it.

unhealthy obsession?

2007-08-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

We all have them. Or at least I hope some folks do...so I don't seem so "out there". For the past year I have been collecting coke bottle caps and codes. On the inside of each cap or 12 pack is a code that you can enter on the coke website. Each code is awarded a point value and you add up points to get free movies from blockbuster, Kodak gifts, coke gifts, etc. So I've ended up with many rewards for doing this.

During Riverfest this year the vendors sold coke. So folks would just throw their empty bottles on the ground and voila there's a free coke cap. Grace and I had no money to spend at riverfest this year. So we did all the free stuff and walked around a picked up bottle caps. (We found 30 caps in just the two hours we were there). I think it was at this point I realized it became obsession. Now where ever Grace goes she finds bottle caps for me. I too will pick up the caps if I see them on the ground. My rule is that IF you pick up a cap regardless of whether it has a code in it. Once you pick it up you must either save it to enter on the computer or take it to a trash can. Litter drives me crazy. so I figure I'm doing my part to help with litter control, even if it is just a small cap. Sometimes I'll pick up the bottle if it is nearby.

My second clue that it was an obsession I discovered yesterday...I realized I was scouring the streets for codes as I drove. I saw one in a recycle bin on the way to a friend's house. I nearly stopped to get it. It was at this point I realized I have an unhealthy obsession. It might be unhealthy, but I do get something out of it...I get the exercise of bending over to pick it up and the exercise of going out of my way to pick up a cap I see on the ground AND I am helping with litter control. So there are pros and cons to my obsession. Just call me loco.

weddings etc

2007-08-05T19:47:00.000-07:00

I went to a wedding yesterday. I love weddings and I hate them. I love them because everyone dresses up admires the bride and sometimes the groom. And everyone is happy if for a brief moment in time. I spent way too much time worrying about grace and what she was doing and trying to keep her quiet. I hate them because I always feel so much more alone wishing it were me getting married. I know that in time, as long as I am patient, I will have my day. The bride was beautiful as she should have been. The groom was handsome and if ever two people seemed to belong to eachother it was these two. For lack of better analogy, i will call the person I am intrigued by "TO". TO was awfully cute all dressed up. I didn't exactly talk that much to him. He makes me extremely nervous. I'm afraid to tell anyone how I feel because of the rejection factor. But he sure is cute.

and the beat goes on...

Train wrecks

2007-08-01T06:29:00.000-07:00

I briefly caught a new show about Scott Baio yesterday. As I was channel surfing, I passed it then decided I'd turn back and watch it a little to see what it was about. I'd seen the advertisements and it basically is to find him a girlfriend/wife. Just from the brief moments I watched it was like watching a train wreck. The channel change defining moment was when this woman, whom I can only assume is a dating coach, tells him he can't have sex with his dates. His comment was, I can date them I just can't have sex with them. Her whole goal is to help him find a wife or girlfriend and it seems as though he doesn't want to change enough to overcome aloneness.

I think back on the direction TV has gone lately. I think shows like CSI and Grey's Anatomy are great shows that bring a enough real life but not too much. Then you have your shows like Survivor, Fear Factor, Big Brother that seem real but you know parts of it are staged. But you know they pick these people with complete social dysfunction to stir up the coop. You know the people, they are like oil to water.

Which brings me to other TV train wrecks...Why would you televise your life on TV? I worked on cruise ships for 3 years and the only consistent TV show that the crew (folks from ALL over the world) were subjected to was Jerry Springer. I was so embarrased because these people may have an idea that America is the land of opportunity, the land of golden promises, the land of greatness and we show them this shite. Don't get me wrong, I have watched a few episodes. Other shows that are equal in part are/were the Anna Nicole Smith, Being Bobby Brown, & Brit & KFed Chaotic. These shows depict these celebrities as a train wreck. It's one of those instances where you know you should look away but you can't. You're stuck mezmerized by what lengths TV stations will go to win viewers.

Everyone has problems, everyone has moments where they go into a gas station with no shoes on or go to the video store in their house slippers. But these everyday moments are not televised and if their mama's knew they were doing these things she probably would have made them go out back and get a switch and whip their butts no matter what their age.

tune in next time for....

The Brawl

2007-07-30T06:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i feel like a fish out of water and I have to throw myself back into the pond. This saturday was no different. I went to an event called the Barberian Brawl. I offered my help with the children's activities. There was a jousting tournament for the kids. A man named Blars set up an obstacle course with castles, shreks, donkeys, dragons, and jousting spears (aka swimming noodles). He put alot of thought, blood sweat and tears into this. He even cut out sheilds for each of the kids and painted whatever they wanted on them. Grace came home with a shield with a unicorn painted on it. It was too cool. We went inside and did stained glass windows, masks, and jewelry.

The stained glass windows were so cool. Yliria (Carmen) photo copied several patterns on sheets of paper. All the kids (including myself) colored these patterns We used olive oil and a qtip to spread the oil across the back of the sheet. What happens is the paper becomes translucent and picks up the vivid colors. It was so cool (oops I already said that!)

After the kids were all picked up, grace and I walked out to the archery range where Lady Camilla (Mary Jo) was. I thought I'd watch the archery for a bit. She talked me into entering a contest. I'd only ever shot a bow and arrow once before and I lost two of her arrows last time. So I practiced and missed EVERY one of them. Lady Genevote (Denise) gave me some tips to help. In the first round I hit the target 4 out of 6 times (20 ft) (in this round I snapped the band to the inside of my arm and now have a softball size bruise in many shades of purple) , 2nd round 2 out of 6 (30 ft) & 3rd round 1 of 6 (40 ft). Then in the 30 second round, I hit 4 on the 20 ft target. I was so excited I did well. I have no idea what the scores are but I ended up with a 34. I think it should have been a 33 though. One of the arrows in the 30 ft I pulled out before she scored it. I put it back in but I couldn't remember if it was black or blue. Either way, I won the tournament but it was really close.

What winning this contest meant was that I was the new Yeoman. I think if I knew what it entailed, I may not have entered the contest. I honestly didn't think I would win. I just wanted to play. After finding out I wond, I was very nervous for several reasons...1 I had to go up in front of people and accept this title...2 I had to sit next to someone I find attractive who makes me very nervous to be around...3 I had no idea what to do in this new situation (when to bow, when I could get up, what I am to do in the next event, etc)... I guess the only way I'm ever going to truly get involved is by doing something like this.

and now a word from our sponsor....

Epiphany

2007-07-24T09:18:00.000-07:00

I had an epiphany the other day. Aug 4 is the anniversary of my sister Jenny's death. She died in a car accident at the age of 22 six years ago. This year my mother has decided that they will spread her ashes. I suppose I have supressed that this was going to happen this year. Especially since I will not be able to go with them to say goodbye. My mother says she wishes they were rich and could afford to pay for the trip for me. My regret is that I didn't know they were planning this until after I paid for my cruise. I might have opted to NOT go on the cruise to go on this trip with them. But I must accept that they will do this without me. My feelings were hurt beyond repair. But as time has gone by I have accepted this.

I believe that I supressed this event so much, that i did not see it coming. I have been in a snappy mood for a while and been very down. Not until I said it out loud the other day did I realize with a slap to the forehead "Aug 4 is coming up REAL soon". This time of year is even harder than Christmas. It's like a whole month of grieving all over again. Aug 4 through Sep 10 (that's her birthday). Although the 10th is much more lighthearted a day because it's also my dad's birthday. I still miss her so much. As the memories of her fade, I know that one day we'll be together again.

I love you little sister and miss you terribly.
Steph

Me in the world

2007-07-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

Mood Disorder or Hormonal Deficiency?

2007-07-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

I have struggled here lately. Mostly hormonal struggles. I'm depleted, exhausted, and I am constantly snapping at people. I feel like my hormones rule my life. I think one week out of a month I'm OK. In that week, I can watch what I eat, exercise normally, be happy with my child and feel generally good about myself and my world around me. One week...that's like 12 -13 weeks out of 52 that I'm ok--I'm sane. When they took my right ovary 5 years ago, they suggested a full hysterectomy. I was only 32. I still want more children. My clock is ticking though...chances are even slimmer now 50% less...If they'd have taken all my girl parts, I wouldn't struggle with the battle of the hormones and I might be normal. Normal...what is that? I discussed with my psychiatrist about the feelings associated with this...He admitted he was not an expert on the link between hormones and depression. I'm just sick of the freaking mood roller coaster.
Tune in....

20 years

2007-06-17T13:10:00.000-07:00

It's been 20 years since I graduated high school. I can't believe I was actually afraid to go to this 20 year reunion picnic. I thought, there will be no one I know there. So I went. I saw some folks I hadn't seen since high school. There were some I wouldn't have recognized if you'd paid me to remember. Then there were some who unmistakably had not changed a bit. I have gained ALOT of weight since high school. I was mainly worried about someone saying something about that; but no one did. I saw my friend Pam, she and I were avid Duran Duran fanatics and talked incessantly about D2. Then there was Shelli, whom I lived down the street from since grade school. She and I have talked a little bit since high school. I wonder if she remembers the fist fight we got into at the swimming pool. Then there were Heather L and Leah D who had not changed much at all. They were still fun to be around. There were a couple of guys that I distinctively remember having crushes on. One in particular - Todd was still HOT. Then there were the ones you knew would not age well but produced really cute miniatures of themselves. I saw Susie S who looked exactly the same and I couldn't help visualizing her doing back handsprings down the hall in jr high.

We talked about TPing houses. What we were all up to these days and how good everyone looked surprisingly for we are all soon to turn 40. There was some talk of drugs but since I didn't hang around the crowds that did drugs, I couldn't comment. I for one am glad it is over. High school is a road I never want to have to go down again. I have to look at it this way. People change and move on with life. You have those folks who float in and out of your life making a lifelong impact which you never will forget. Then there are those who you'd sooner like to forget because they caused you grief whether they knew it or not. I know that I walked away yesterday with a feeling of knowing that I do not miss high school. I never want to go back.

I don't know if I'll go to the next reunion. I think I would like to get together with specific friends but not the group as a whole. I can at least say that I did it.

Tune in for more.

Camping

2007-06-14T06:18:00.000-07:00

We went camping this past weekend to Petit Jean Mountain and I'm just now recovering to be able to write about it. The camping part was great! It was awesome. With the exception of a little rain on Friday the rest was great. We went on several trails and man is Grace the little hiker. "Mom, let's go this way. Mom, Can I climb up to the top of that rock?" (50 ft high!) I found a safe climb for her and I and we went up one and it was a fantastic view.

We used our new tent boy does that 6 ft center make a difference! We actually had quite a lot of room and could have had two or three other people and been comfortable. We cooked out in the evening and had s'mores (a standard for Lavender camping). Yes, I cooked on the grill! We went swimming one day and the rest we just hit the trails.

The low point and could have been fatal point was the final hike before we left. I decided to take us on one last hike to see the turtle rocks. The Seven Hollows Trail is 4.5 miles long. I'm telling you so that you don't make the same mistake I did when you go to Petit Jean. We started the final trail not really knowing how long it was. We walked and walked and walked it seemed forever then we saw the Mile #1 marker. We saw cool mushrooms along the way. One looked like an apple with a white stem. One looked like an orange.

After mile 2 we ran out of water. And somewhere between mile 2 & 3 I realized that there was no shortcut like it appeared on the map. We either had to turn around and go back or complete the circle. I was scared that I wasn't going to make it. To those of you who know me, I'm not exactly the most physically fit person. I forced myself to keep going but in my mind I had the image of me lying on the trail and grace having to run off and get help. We simply weren't prepared. I heard thunder in the background...I prayed for rain. It did not rain until we got to the car.

I took photos through out the trail until we got to mile 3. This photo is classic and one of the last I took on the trail since I was hot and only worried about getting back. My mother says this was my look at 6. Scary!!

The Busiest Weekend

2007-05-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

I had such a busy weekend. A busy broker than broke weekend. But I managed without much money at all.

Saturday we woke up and did the NAMI walk thing. Grace was so funny. She started walking with me. Then she walked up ahead of me. Before I knew it she was WAY ahead of me. The walk went from the soccer fields at Burns Park to the Big Dam Bridge. She was about to go up on the bridge. I thought I was going to have to run. If any of you have seen me before, I'm not exactly physically fit to run. She stopped like she was afraid to go any further. Then she turned around and started going up again. Then stopped and looked for me. Luckily there were two kids on scooters that I asked if they could go up and tell her not to go on the bridge (this would have added 2 miles to our journey!) I told her we would go on the bridge again another day. She barely made it back to the finish line.

We went home and I crashed for an hour. Then at 3 we went to a graduation party for a friend. I thought I was only going to stay for a couple of hours but I ended up staying from 3 pm - 8 pm. Grace was having too much fun. At dusk the fireflies came out. I love to be outside in the summer like that. I particularly remember as a kid staying out late to catch them in an old mason jar with holes poked in the top. It was a good time. I realized though Grace needs to be supervised, I could let her play and just check on her occasionally. This worked well although I felt like because I wasn't right by her side that I wasn't taking care of her. I have to learn to let this go.

Sunday after Church we went to Riverfest. I was flat broke and got two free tickets to get in. We did not spend any money. And we actually came away with quite a lot of "stuff". One thing we came away with was coke bottle caps. With about 25 of them. These are the kind with Codes in them. You enter the codes on mycokerewards.com and earn prizes. Each cap is worth 3 points. So 3 x 25 = 75. That was enough for at least two free new releases from blockbuster. so now I'm a coke hound. Not drinking it but looking for others that are drinking it. And I have grace telling me, "hey mom, a bottle cap!" We'll look in it and if it has a code, we pick it up. sometimes we pick them up anyway because it helps with littering.

tune in for more...

The wonderful world of work

2007-05-17T20:14:00.000-07:00

I work in an office. I really like my job. Sometimes, I don't like the people I am forced to work with outside our group. Today, we had a guest come from out of state to speak at our weekly educational meeting. We had no office for him to go to. I let him use the vice chair's desk because the vice chair is away on vacation. I did not ask the person who shares an office with him if this was ok. Maybe I should have...I don't know.

Later while I covered the front desk for lunch, she walked by and said that this man was "weird". Nothing more. Even more later the big boss's assistant came in and asked that we find another place to put our guests rather than this office. While she is politely asking me this the person who shares the aforementioned office came up to her and says, "Do I need to make it any clearer?" I snapped. I said "No you do not, I get it, IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!" I turned away and went back to work. Leaving them to realize that I was really pissed off. Not that it probably even mattered.

This office sharer is one of those types of people who like you when they feel it will benefit them. Otherwise you are gum on their shoe. She is rude and nasty most of the time. And unfortunately she is one of the big boss's favorite people.

Now I don't know if I should be the one to apologize because I snapped or if I should just let it go. I know that she will go to the BIG boss and tell him that I was rude to her and I will never have the opportunity to defend myself.

I have also had a problem with my boss and my office mate. I have not been in a very good mood lately. I'm not depressed just crabby and irritated. I'm worried about getting caught up and more work keeps coming in and I don't know if I'll ever get caught up AND I am PMSing. It is the first time in a long time I've been short with folks. But it seems when I'm not in a good mood my office mate starts to worry about me and runs and tells my bosses that she thinks something is going on with me. Can I not just be in a bad mood? Can I not just have a day where I don't have to answer any questions about my mood? I'm not trying to be mean I just have to start being honest with people about my ability to handle what I can handle.

My boss is the worst at walking in and wanting something NOW. I have a hard time with that because I am usually working on something else and I have to drop everything so that I can do this for him. He did it again the other day and I was short with him. When he went back to his office, I was frustrated and I mentioned it to my office mate. She went into his office 5 minutes later and I overheard her saying something about my mood to him. I decided to keep to myself from now on and not say anything about being frustrated because it only increases my anxiety. I have been trying to reassess my priorties at work and realizing that maybe I'm in way over my head. I think I need a vacation or a week to just work at home.

tune in for more later

Celebrity Look Alikes

2007-05-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

The Howard Johnson

2007-05-15T09:20:00.000-07:00

I saw my sister Lara this weekend. I now understand why I only see her once in a while. Let's take it back to the weekend before last. There was a message on my voice mail from my niece telling me to call her back because she had some news. Her news was that she is going to have a baby in June (19 years old). Her father doesn't want her to be in contact with us but she wanted to share her news with her mother. I had no idea where her mother was. So knowing that my sister was going to be a grandmother at 40 I thought might upset her.

So Lara called on Sat morning. I hadn't heard from her in about a month since she asked me to force my dad into giving her money. Which she obviously completely forgot she did. I told her about being a grandmother... she was excited. So Grace and I went over there to spend some time... and to swim. It was like being with someone with functional alzheimers. Grace loves her to death. But I have to limit her exposure to Aunt Lara because of her drug and alcohol use. Lara and her on again off again common law husband of 11 years are living in the Howard Johnson. The hotel is actually not too bad. But their room is horrible and trashed. Lara's accounted that he got drunk last week and fell 7 ft from the fountain to the deck of the swimming pool. They took him to the emergency room via ambulance where he refused treatment. Her story about the room and how they let them pay a lower amount for rent each week because they (lara and her cl husband) might sue. My thoughts here are...uh he was drunk and he refused treatment. You drink, you break your neck, you suffer the consequences...it's that simple. Where is the personal responsibility in that? The entire time we were with them he was whining that his shoulder hurt. Lara kept repeating herself while we were there which is why I say the functional alzheimers. I wanted to say you already f#$%ing told me that.

In any case, we swam, Grace had fun...we went home. I let Lara call Heather to talk to her about the baby. It seemed to make her happy. But I have to remind myself that I am not the happy police. I cannot make anyone happy but myself. And even that's damn hard sometimes.

Whenever i visit her it makes me more grateful!! Grateful that I have a home, a life, the unconditional love of my daughter and faith that things will turn out they way they are meant to be.

Well more later.

Getting over myself

2007-04-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

I spoke at length yesterday with a friend. She gave me a new perspective on this situation with my mother. My mother is not my biological mother. She's my stepmother. She's been so since I was 7 years old. So that's 31 years of being an instant mommy and never having your husband to yourself. My friend pointed out that Jenny was her first born and that she probably wants to memorialize this for her own benefit - her own private goodbye. She also said that she understood my having my feelings hurt. She said she'd be pissed off too.

This actually makes sense, it still hurts but it makes sense. If something were to ever happen to Grace, I would probably withdraw completely from life. So I understand. I think I am more worried about my mom's behavior over the past two years. I have always felt un-included in this family. They try to make me feel like I belong by inviting me to family functions. I think the most I ever feel like I belong is when I go to the Lavender family reunions or at the Lavender family events. So over the past two years this disclusion has become more evident. The only thing I am invited to (because you don't just show up at someones house uninvited) is the family functions.

My mom asked me the other day what it is that makes me so anxious about family functions. We were in mixed company and I didn't feel as though I could say "you". I ask myself am I just being selfish about the way she "ignores" me? One expects a sort of respect to come from your own family but then again your family is usually the people who hurt you most. Maybe deep down, I guess since I don't see them as much anymore, I don't feel like I'm special. Which is probably the root of the problem. She used to make me feel special by listening and giving advice but now she just bites when I ask. So I quit asking. I withdrew and don't make the effort as much any more. Is this the root of all my problems - wanting everyone to make me feel special? That in itself would be a energy vacuum and I can't imagine anyone staying around someone they feel sucks the life out of them.

After they go memorialize Jenny at Pemaquid Point, I will speak to her about how I feel. Way after I've calmed down about it all. The part I dread in any confrontation is the other person getting defensive.

I'm sure there will be more on this topic.

No Whining

2007-04-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, my least favorite thing my daughter does is whine. OOH I totally hate that but I feel like that's all I've been doing lately. I hate sounding like a whiner. I made an appointment to see a doctor for tomorrow to be tested for ADD. I got home today and there was a message which stated I needed to call the office. and something else that was unclear. It sounded like cancelled. Ok. I am so irritated because I'm making the appt with the freaking dept I work in. Couldn't someone have informed me of this sooner. Like maybe called me at work instead of leaving a message on my home phone? What is the most irritating about it is that I'm not sure f the appointment is cancelled because I couldn't understand the message. And the appointment is at 8 am. Listening to the message a hundred times is not going to make it any clearer. I'm just irritated...irritated with the world, with work cuz I can't seem to make any one happy, with my family because they act like they don't want me around, and i'm irritated at myself for letting myself get irritated by all of this. I think I need to go have a margarita and visit jimmy buffet for a while. It's 5:00 somewhere!

My Greatest Loss

2007-04-22T17:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had someone say something to you and your heart just drop? And after hearing this awful news always feeling as though you could have prevented it or that it could be different. Well 6 years ago I got a phone call from my dad saying that my sister was in a car accident and that she had died. I have been greiving all this time.

Today I found out that my entire family is going to Nova Scotia together. They are going to spread Jenny's ashes. No one even mentioned it to me that they were considering this. I won't be able to afford to go because I am going on a cruise in Oct. But I would have liked the opportunity to go. I would have liked to have been invited to go. My feelings are hurt more imaginable than ever before. I feel as if I have no part in my family anymore.

When I graduated college, the only thing I asked for was when the time came to spread her ashes, my airfare to be paid for. I got a charm bracelet. Granted I finally graduated after 18 years but I did get there.

My mother told me in a "oh by the way we've decided to spread jenny's ashes this summer" fashion. Oh by the way your brother and his girlfriend is going. Oh by the way so are your aunt and uncle. Oh by the way we don't really want you to be there so we didn't tell you early enough so you'd have time to prepare or maybe even buy a ticket. Oh by the way, I've decided to eliminate all those people in "my" life who get on my nerves. Which would explain why I have not been invited over much.

Am I that bad? Do I really suck all the energy out of people? What is the fucking point of even trying to be around people if I create a knee jerk reaction like this? All I have ever wanted out of life is to be loved. Just to be loved.

I'm thinking that I'm asking way too much from people. I know that my dad loves me and he'd do just about anything for me. And I understand you have to let your children go to grow up. Maybe I'm just not grown up enough to handle this. I am so tired of this game. This is like losing my sister all over again and I don't get the opportunity to say goodbye like I so desperately need to.

A sense of accomplishment

2007-04-15T16:26:00.000-07:00

It rained pretty much all day yesterday. I got quite a bit accomplished anyway. I sorted through papers I haven't gone through since I moved in July 2005. The most that I got accomplished was making a set of bags for my feast gear for SCA events. My friend Renae gave me some lovely pottery that her husband has made over the years. A set for two - plates, mugs, bowls and goblets. A couple of weekends ago I had cut out fabric to make bags to carry these in and I wasn't sure how it was going to work out. I didn't have the big picture in my mind. And when I don't have the big picture, I tend to avoid tasks like this. So I thought I would just "play". Well playing led to a half day event of self taught quasi-quilting. I have never done quilting and I didn't have the batting that goes in the middle. I do have LOTS of fleece, which I used instead. I made a bowl (it was supposed to be for the mug, but the bowl fit better) bag and a 10-12" plate bag. They turned out so much better than I'd originally envisioned. I still need to make a bag for the goblet and the mug. And I have a wooden set for Grace; I think those will fit nicely in with these bags. I can also put them in a non-quilted bag. So here's a photo of the finished product so far. I am not one of those people who like to pat themselves on the back about stuff, but these look too cool :)

The Confidence Test

2007-04-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

I took a test last night on www.Tickle.com. It was a confidence test. I was REALLY surprised because it listed my confidence as high. With the range of Very High, High, Medium, Low, & Very Low. I knew I wasn't at very low but I thought for sure I would score in the low or medium range. The results went on to say that there are two primary components of confidence.

1) Your self-esteem — how much you like yourself (I scored a 25 out of 40)
2) Your perceived level of competence — how capable you feel (this is broken down into the categories below)
Artistic/Musical Ability (9 out of 10),
Intellectual Competence (7 out of 10),
Social Competence (6 out of 10),
Physical Attractiveness (6 out of 10),
& Athletic Ability (5 out of 10) by this I was somewhat surprised because I'm not very physically active

Of course the results go on to talk about examples and how they relate to me and my scores. To narrow down the outcome is that I need to work on the following items to improve my confidence levels:
avoiding negative self-talk (I know, I know, I know!)focusing on your strengths (the negative self-talk usually has me telling me about my weaknesses) encouraging self-love (I don't love myself enough and this is an area where I think I need help to find out how to do it)visualizing ways to improve your future (this I know I can do with the help in understanding the above 3 better)

Psychotherapy here we come :)

I don't really read too much into these tests because I took a palm reading test and the results said that my chances of ever being married were null. I'm not sure if this was because I have a child or that I'm selfish (I used to think this was a form of self-love) It probably has A LOT to do with it. But I was devastated. I want to be married some day. Internally, I told myself I would be married by the time I reached 40. The father is of a different world as well as a world away and was given one too many chances in my opinion. So I've had to look elsewhere. Elsewhere is that place where nothing exists but the void of your own imaginary thoughts. So I've kept looking to a minimum and I'm just trying to enjoy life.

Perfection?

2007-04-13T09:54:00.000-07:00

Today's Quote from www.beliefnet.com
Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly.
-St. Francis de Sales

Try to be what you are perfectly...hmm...What if you don't know who you are sometimes? And how the hell are you supposed to do it perfectly? I think the quote should say "try to be that to the best of your ability".

I am 38 and the closer I get to 40 I think about who I am. There are times where I know without a doubt but then there's times like lately that I feel I don't know myself.

I know the following:
I love to learn, watch movies, listen to all kinds of music, read sometimes, swim, be on the ocean, see other cultures, to travel, to fold clothes on occasion, etc. (this list could go on and on but for now this will do).

I don't like people who are cruel, lack of follow-through, to watch people make fools of themselves, whining, doing the dishes and I think I don't like cooking because of the aforementioned chore. This list too could go on and on.

At some point I may come back an alter this blog to better represent myself. But for now I think this is a good start. Likes and Dislikes are a key component to knowing yourself.

See next blog for more on this topic....

Let's Go Crazy

2007-04-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks have been such a blur. What happened to time? My world is steadily becoming more chaotic. The more I try to make myself conform to organize in any manner, the more out of control it seems to get. I went to see my therapist about finding a starting place on this organization. She listened intently as she does for the first thirty minutes of my rambling because I hadn't seen her in a while an in the midst of my chaotic ramblings she mentions a book. Women with Attention Deficit Disorder. She says every thing I just described in the past thirty minutes falls into this category. Now comes the really hard part...Admitting that I am not perfect (I did already know this :)) and seeking the proper help. The last time I went to someone about this problem they said I was very depressed and they changed my medication for depression (which i have taken since I had my daughter). I mentioned the ADD thing and I felt I was completely ignored. One thing my therapist mentioned is that ADD folks can function with certain jobs and never realize they have a problem. When more responsibility is placed on someone, then they start to exhibit signs of disorganization which leads to beaucoup des problemes. I've brought it up several times with my medical community friends and coworkers and they agree that I should be tested.

HOWEVER, Testing costs money. $300 to be exact. It's not like I can afford to pay that. My health insurance doesn't cover this diagnostic exam. I'm still paying of the MRI I had on my knee last Summer. I won't be through paying that off until Grace heads off to college. So I am at a loss. I don't even know who to go to for testing. There were several folks mentioned but working in the psychiatric community, I am not comfortable having my kook doctor see me every week at Grand Rounds and have to pretend they don't see me on a "professional" level. I think that I am making way too much of this. Besides I see my therapist in the hospital sometimes.

Then there's the anxiety thing. Maybe if I had the ADD in check the anxious symptoms wouldn't be so apparent. I don't know. I'm confused, broke and tired. I just want to go to ONE doctor and say...ok now fix me. They'll wave their magic wand and I'll be perfect (like ever have been).

And if de-elevator tries to bring you down. Go Crazy punch a higher floor.
Look 4 the purple banana, til they put us in the truck
Prince

What the...

2007-04-02T16:59:00.000-07:00

I feel myself slipping. I feel it coming on and I can't control it. It has something to do with hormones I'm sure of it. But every so often I get the need, to change things, change everything. The last time I changed something was about 2 years ago. I changed jobs and I moved within 3 months of each other.

I can ask all of the psychiatric questions - hows my appetite? - fine I guess. I eat too much ...the same amount I did a month ago. Hows my sleep cycle? - what sleep cycle...Some nights I have a good night's rest some nights I don't. It's been going on so long that I can't tell what's good and what's not. How are my thoughts? Other than the fact that a million thoughts race through my mind at any given moment on any given day....i don't know how I function. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are on crack. I skip from one thought to another. This is where I know my follow through fails me. I start on one project....I think of something else I started...then I'm off to do that project and any thing really simple in the middle gets done before anything else. Which is horrible for listing my priorities or working on them as I'm supposed to be doing for the CALM study. I honestly think that this CBT thing is not going to work. There are only 8 sessions, and I don't think I will accomplish much in 8 sessions. I think we're already at 4 or 6 and I continue to have seriously anxious thoughts, behaviors. I think I'm thinking it's a miracle cure. Nothing is instantaneous. There is no quick fix. But I just wish this restless feeling would go away. I think too much and too often. I just want to shut off the inner thoughts and live a happy life.

Adult temper tantrums

2007-03-28T10:54:00.001-07:00

My childhood was a little different than most kids my age. My parents divorced after my mom decided she didn't want to be a wife and mom (when I was four). My dad met my step mom when I was 7 and have been married ever since. I have my dad's temper. When we were kids he used to explode when he'd get mad; sometimes kicking holes in doors. But he was never abusive. Was there a point when he could have been?

Is there a point where I will cross that line because my temper gets the better of me sometimes? This thought scares the living shit out of me but I'm a firm believer in spanking. It seems to be the only way to get Grace's attention sometimes. There are times when I have to leave the house because she's screaming at me after I've spanked her for doing something wrong (usually sassing me, talking back, or the dreaded "I hate you"). These are the things that set me off the most because I feel it's disrespectful. And I'm all about respecting others and trying to instill this in her. How will she ever respect others if she doesn't respect me? But then we get into the whole picture, respect doesn't mean beating your child's mentality.

One time when this happened, I told her to get her shoes on and we were going for a drive. She got her shoes on all scared and whining. I pulled up to the police station. She started crying "Mom, I don't want to go to jail!" I said "You know what you need to do then." We drove around for a bit then went home and everything was good for the rest of the day. This was effective in protecting her and to keep me in check. Although, I haven't taken her to the police station again, we have gone for a drive which is quite effective. while she's at this age, she still thinks we're going to the police station. One day that threat will be worn out and I'll have to find a new strategy.

I'll close with this thought: I have never beaten my child. I know there are times when I've come close and I have stepped away from the situation so I don't get out of control.

Do caterpillars float?

2007-03-28T10:28:00.000-07:00

Uh that would be a definitive NO! We left the screen of the tent open and it rained. Poor babies. Grace came running in yesterday morning in a fit because "I" didn't zip it closed. I think I expect too much from her sometimes.

I got mad at her Saturday because I knocked over a bottle of her water that she forgot to put the lid on.. I mentioned that it gets on my nerves her not putting the lid on things and my friend commented "what kid does?" So this got me to thinking, she's only 6. What should I expect from her? If I don't expect certain things, how will she ever learn to live on her own. I'm a firm believer of independence. I think it has been like armor for me all these years (to my own detriment).

It might be just selfishness and laziness and me not wanting to have to deal with my own child. I never thought I would make a good mother. I know that I think of myself more often before I think of others. Others might disagree but in general I believe that I think of myself before others. I KNOW I'm selfish. So when a selfish person like myself has a child what will that child become? Will she become selfish too? Is it wrong for me to want things for myself sometimes? I have coworkers and friends who LOVE being with their kids and wish they didn't have to work so they could spend more time with them. Am I selfish for not wanting that? For wanting my own space over sharing it? At the same time, I could weigh out the fact that I am with her pretty much the entire time I'm not at work. So when I go home at 4:30 I don't go pick her up until 6:00 usually on the dot so I can have some of that "me" time. "Me" time is supposed to be healthy. But if I have too much time with her I begin to snap at her. For stupid things like forgetting to put the lid back on the water bottle. So am I selfish or a tired, crabby, worn out single mom with no prospects of ever becoming a "non" single mom because I yell at my kid too much?

Tune in for more.....

Caterpillars

2007-03-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

Our yard is teeming with life right now. We have the trees (mainly oak) who are depositing their pollen all over everything. Trying to pollinate for survival. Then there are the little worms that dangle from the trees. You don't see them until you've gotten one in your face. The rose bush (sadly we only have one) had one lonely bud on it. I forgot to trim it last fall. So the one lonely rose from last year is still there. Black from the year's decomposition.

The one major life form is in the form of eastern tent caterpillars. They are the cute fuzzy kind and this year there are 5 nests in the tree next to our carport. So Grace is running around trying to catch all of these critters. The funny thing is about these is that they are really worms. they are larvae. When I think of larvae, gross things go through my head. So I have tried not to bring this up to my daughter because she is in amazement at every one she catches. Last year we caught about 30 or so and kept them in a bucket with a screen over the top. This year I have a feeling there will be triple that amount because we've already caught about 60. Her play tent broke the other day when we were moving some furniture around. So we decided to use this as the holding point for these little fuzzy things. If you build the optimal environment (which a tent conveniently provides) they will make their cocoons and form into an adult moth. Which looks like this:

So we'll have to watch where we step in our yard because every single caterpillar is special. Even though they ravage the tree they build their nests on, Grace will mourn every single caterpillar that does not make it to the play tent. We've already had the talk about death being part of life but somehow each individual caterpillar death brings a little drama.

That's all I have to say on that today :) Tune in for more

Jenny Memories

2007-03-22T06:22:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I had such a fabulous time. I am haunted by a girl I saw at Gulf Wars. She reminded me of Jenny so much. She had the same smile, petite frame, and vivaciousness that jenny empowered. It made my heart hurt to watch her interact with everyone.

It will be 6 years in August and I feel like I'm losing my memories of her. I remember the good and the bad, the funny and the sad, but there are things I want to remember and I can't.

One memory I have is when she was 14 (I was 25) she encouraged me to go to walmart with her. We were at my Granny's house and for some reason my car was not there. So we decided to take my mom's trailblazer. She insisted on driving because she'd gotten her drivers permit. We got all the way to Walmart's parking lot and she said, "I've never parked before." I said "pull over and I'll park it." She says "No I'd like to try." OK so what I should have done is had her park all the way out to the end of the parking lot! She pulls into the spot slowly then hits the gas instead of the break! Slam! right into a Chrysler New Yorker. In 1994, this was not a cheap car. The entire grill was smashed in.

We went inside and tried to have the owner paged. They never came to the front of the store. So we left a note. They called us and we arranged for them to go get an estimate to fix it. The first estimate was for like $3k. Neither of us could afford to pay that much! So we asked our family mechanic if he knew anyone. He just so happened to have someone who could fix it for $1500. At this point we had not told our parents this had happened. There was not even a scratch on my mom's trailblazer! We had to tell them.

The body shop guy agreed to let us pay him off. It took us about a year but we finally paid it off. I think this was a sign of things to come with Jenny's driving record. She totalled two vehicles and put many a dent in my mother's cars.

Parking! @#$%!!!!!

2007-03-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

I pay to park in the deck at work. I pay $30 a month for a space somewhere in the deck. Employees have to share a 5 level deck with patients. Levels 1A to 3A are for patients. The rest is for employees. At the entrance to the patient parking area there is a sign that says "No employee or student parking". Not "Patient parking is levels 1A-3A." So when the patients get to level 3 and they can't find a spot they continue to go up. Patients park in reserved spots and employee spots. They don't know any better. But if we park in patient areas we get ticketed. And if the deck becomes full, we have to park in an alternate lot which is 1/2 mile from where I work. That doesn't make much sense either. The last time I called the parking office they were like "so, your point is?" This just makes me even more upset. It makes me want to buck the system, take my sticker off my car and park anywhere I damn well want to in the deck. It's quite irritating. Just thought I'd express one of my pet peeves today. Thanks for listening!
tune in for more titillating stories of my life.

Love

2007-03-20T10:02:00.000-07:00

True love comes in quietly, without banners or flashing lights
Without force or insanity.
He is the sanity in your world full of madness.
True love is not how grand you are or how simple you are
but it’s who you are when you’re with him
and he loves you not in spite of it
but because of it.
He is the one who stands with you when the rest of the world falls down.

My visual DNA

2007-03-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Gulf Wars - the good, the bad, & the ugly

2007-03-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

I went "camping" this weekend. I use camping loosely because my daughter has been wanting to go camping for some time now. I enjoyed the "camping." I let her think that it was just camping but it was so much more. As Lady Camilla put it, "it's like camping with 3000 friends."

Gulf wars is an event that is put on by the SCA (society for creative anachronism.) It entails 3000 (or 4k as the Hattiesburg newspaper reported this year) people dressing in medieval costuming and living like people did a thousand years ago. It was fun and I enjoyed it immensely. However, there were some pros and cons.

Pros: (the good)

Really hot guys in tunics and tights
Feeling a sense of camaraderie as your encampment marches off to "war"
Trying new (or old, really old) foods
watching my daughter have the time of her life.
Having waterproofed the tent several years ago
Discovering the waterproofing still worked!
Seeing all of the different styles of clothing
going to the merchants area
going with a friend to the Shadow Legion (middle eastern camp) to listen to her play drums and watch belly dancers around the fire pit
Having a handsome man massage my feet after walking several days of walking without arch supports in my shoes.

Cons: (the bad)

Some really not so hot guys in tunics and tights (possibly the ugly)
Rain the first night we arrived (at 3 am) pounding down on the tent
Not having a shower for 3 days
Aching feet from walking so much
wishing I was thin enough to wear the belly dancer outfit and being out there dancing too!
having to sleep on the floor because the bed I bought was too big to put in our tent along with the cot Grace slept on.

Overall it was a great time. There were moments I longed for the warmth and softness of my bed. I loved seeing what other personas were wearing. It was a nice escape from the mundane life.

On a different note, there were some single men there. To be quite honest, I don't think they come to these things thinking, I hope there's some nice single women there... But I was hoping and sort of looking, but not really. I was off work and I wanted and NEEDED to unwind as much as possible. For the first time, I felt like I could have a good time without having a hangover the next morning. I enjoyed just sitting back and listening to stories by the campfire. I mostly watched. I watched how everyone interacted and sometimes it was weird but mostly human nature. Whenever you get that many people together there's bound to be some conflicts. Everyone has quirks. When you are a grown up you like things to be a certain way and sometimes that's that. I was pretty flexible and tried to help where I could. Most of all, I tried to make sure Grace wasn't getting on any one's nerves too much. Which I discovered she didn't get on folks nerves as much as I had thought she would. She was really good. She was just excited about camping. I think the next time we go camping she might be a little shocked because people will be dressed in shorts and t-shirts!

Ok so back to the single folks. There were single women and single men in our camp. Like I said I wasn't really looking for anyone in particular just watching. I think one person in particular might have been threatened by my "singleness". She was not all that friendly to me and at times she was kind of rude. She was kind one minute and mean the next. So I decided to limit the amount of time I spent around her. The other single women I believe were not threatened by me because I have a child and do not see me as competition. Which is so crazy because it doesn't have to be like this. I suppose by vying for the attention of the same person might make the fight or flight response rear its ugly head. But in the end is it really worth it?

There were several men that I noticed. I always notice men. One in particular, I had met before and thought he very friendly. This time, he was kind of endearing. (Yes, I was sober when I came to this conclusion :) ) At one point there was a hug and it lingered. I didn't want it to end. He saw me at possibly the worst (3 days without a shower and freaky crazy curly hair, and filthy clothes) and he still hugged me. It was nice and I hope there are more moments like this.

More to come :)
A

Job Performance

2007-03-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

I had my annual job performance evaluation. I went in to it less anxious than I had the year before because I was no longer in the PTSD type environment that caused me to fear these things. I felt confident that I would get good feedback and I left feeling like I had just been railroaded.

I HATE criticism. Anyone does. But I have my own internal critic that is already berating me 24-7 as it is. The criticism I got was that I need to work on my follow through. This hurt. Partly because I know lately that my follow through is lacking and partly because this is a trait that bothers me so when others don't follow through. It's like #2 on my pet peeve list...People not doing what they say they are going to do. So I felt like I am not doing a good job anymore and I just feel like crap.

We had this review that was due. I was assigned several tasks and one of them was to count how many faculty were published and received grants. I knew that I needed to get this done but instead of doing it, I kept putting it off because I didn't understand what information I needed to extract from these reports. Granted, I should have asked for help. That's where I get in trouble A LOT. I don't ask for help when I need it then I get overwhelmed. The time came when we needed to get this information together and I came to the table with what I had. I had to leave the room for a piece of information and I overheard my boss say "Wasn't she supposed to have done this ages ago?" Yes I was. For the most part I had the reports with this information highlighted that I needed to pull but the whole picture was not ready. I didn't have the whole picture ready because I didn't understand the information. So it's a stupid vicious circle. There were times I wanted to go ask him but he'd been so busy over the few weeks we'd been working on it I figured he wouldn't have time for my questions. Anyway, the report got done it's history, I just need to get over it.

I might have mentioned something in my evaluation about the fact that he was too busy for me to ask questions. I was trying to defend myself when I should have just shut the fuck up. So now I am dreading going to work tomorrow. I don't want to feel like a failure in my job. I want to succeed.

I'm having a horrible time concentrating these last two months. My mind is several topics off and now I'm tuning people out. Folks will come by the office and talk to me and I won't hear what they're saying. I just tune it out. I think I need a vacation.
Tune in for more....

Feeling Loss

2007-03-09T10:20:00.000-08:00

I have come to the sad realization that I want as little contact with my family as I used to. Recently, I have discovered that I am not invited over as much as I used to be. I must admit that I have tried to keep my contact at a minimum. I've also been really busy. But my mother has this group of people that she is involved in that includes the adult children of her other friends. One is called Friends with Forks where they get together once a month and have a meal with all her friends at one of her friends homes. (i get anxious when I think of this because I feel like maybe my home is not worthy enough). The other thing is Bunko. All I know about Bunko is that its a game that is played with dice. So they get together all the time for these events and never once was I invited to try it. It might have been nice to be invited. My feelings are out on my sleeve on this one. I just need to suck it up and decide to do things for myself. I need to create my own network of friends and forget about my family so much.

I had a grand plan on moving next door. I weighed the pros and cons of it and the cons actually won. The apartment is gorgeous. It was decorated by the same guy who did my apt. Although he did a much better job on the other apt. His yard was better and he had a nice patio. However, by moving, I would have to pack my stuff, change all of my utilities, probably lose the cable and it would end up costing more per month. I need to move to a 2 bedroom. However, I think that I can sort of make a 2 bedroom out of the apartment I have. I am planning on putting Grace's bed into the livingroom. I'll block it off with bookshelves and make her area nice. i can move my bed back into the bedroom and make that space for me. There would be much more room for me and my full size bed in the bedroom and I'd have some privacy and a space of my own. It is what I'm trying to achieve.
more on this later....

What's in a name?

2007-03-05T11:52:00.000-08:00

I totally Jacked this from my friend Kylie's blog
Your real name: Ashley
Your Gangsta Name: (first 4 letters of real name plus izzle) Ashlizzle
Your Detective Name: (fav color and fav animal) Blue dogcat
Your Soap Opera Name: (middle name, and childhood street) Anne Thayer
Your Star Wars Name: (the last 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of mom’s maiden name) Deraseve
Your Super Hero Name: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink) Green Margarita (doesn't sound very exotic does it?! You know since margarita's are generally green anyway.)
Your Polish Name: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your mom’s maiden name, 3rd letter of your dad’s middle name, 1st letter of a sibling’s first name, last letter of your mom’s middle name) Svevwma
Your Witness Protection Program Name: (grandmother/grandfather’s first name and Jones) Reba Jones
Your Goth name: (black, and the name of one your pets) Black Zooey

Holidays

2007-02-14T07:49:00.000-08:00

What is Valentine's day really about? Since I haven't had someone to be my valentine in a really long time...it's hard to even like this holiday. I have thought about the different holidays through the year and I used to have a definitive answer on my favorite holidays. Halloween and Christmas with Thanksgiving a close third. I used to look forward to Christmas and Thanksgiving every year. Since Jenny died, they've been on a slow decline on my favorite list. I dislike being around my family because every year I feel less like I fit in. Two Christmases ago was the worst Christmas ever. Everyone was in a bad mood. But no one would talk about it. Afterward it finally came out that my mom had had a biopsy and they were waiting on the results. I feel like that should be the time to have your family closer, to support, encourage. But my family doesn't do that. They just sweep it under the rug hoping it will go away. This past Christmas was better but after some of the hurtful things that were said it was a forced enjoyment. I felt like I did it for them.

Valentines day is my next holiday I dislike for many reasons. It is the epitomy of commercialized love. Everywhere you go there's a commercial, ad, sign that says get your valentine flowers, candy, or jewelry here. When I did have a significant other, I would get so anxious about getting a gift for him. Was it a worthy enough present? Would he get me something at all? Does he love me enough to buy me something? The inner critic would go on and on and on. I love the thought of being loved I just think it shouldn't have to be on ONE specific day that they are supposed to show this affection. Why not make it more sporadic or spontaneous?

Viking Jewelry

2007-02-01T04:24:00.000-08:00

I made my first Viking jewelry. This is just a portion of it. I imagine that I'll need to change it because I made it on wire and it doesn't lay flat like I want it to.

This is what it looks like against the viking apron Kylie gave me.

This is what it looks like against different colors. Each color the piece is up against brings out the different colors in the jewelry.

The Society for Creative Anachronism

2007-01-30T12:33:00.000-08:00

I went to a Newbie event for the SCA this weekend in Conway, AR . I went last year and felt so uncomfortable for various reasons. Reason 1: I had my precocious daughter who didn't want to dress in the beautiful garb my friend made for her. Reason 2: I worried about my daughter the entire time. Reason 3: it was raining and there weren't many activities to participate in. Reason 4: I didn't know anyone but Kylie. So we left before the feast.

This year was different. I decided to have fun regardless. Since I have many anxieties on many levels, I was worried about being anxious. I asked my parents to watch my daughter and was determined to have a good time. On the way to Conway though my alternator went out in my car. Believe it or not I wasn't worried about that. I was more worried about the next day. Kylie made dinner (crock pot pork dish) Friday night and it was delish. I had AAA come out and charge the battery and I drove it up to the local auto parts store. He tested the battery and the alternator and said both were bad. The battery was $66 and the alternator was $248. I decided to wait on the alternator as no one could install it.

We went to the Newbie event. It was cold and wet. The day before was sunny and the day after was sunny---what's up with that? There were merchants there selling their wares and lots of activities planned. I just wanted to sit and chill. Mary Jo's hubby put up their new tent and about 8 of us at any given time were inside, drinking hot chocolate, chatting about all sorts of things. Mary Jo's husband is such a hoot. He tells stories with such enthusiasm it makes you feel like you were actually there at the event he's talking about. I tried out Archery and lost two of Mary Jo's arrows. I felt so bad cuz they were like $5 a pop. I like the Archery. I also like the garb. Kylie let me wear her viking apron dress. I felt so pretty. She wore the Italian dress that I wore last year. She looked as pretty as I felt last year. After the event she gave me the apron part of the dress. It's so pretty. I like the dressing up part. I also like to watch the fighting. Of course, I have no idea what the rules of the game are but its fun anyway.

We had feast which I missed last year because of my ornery daughter. She was so uncooperative that I got fed up and had to leave. We sat through court which is apparently not something held all the time. The Queen gave awards to various people. And one in particular was Peter the crusader. As he went up to receive his award Mary Jo says to Kylie (loud enough for several to hear)..."we should fix the two of them up!". I turned about 18 shades of red and could not cool down from being so embarrassed. I don't know what happened at that point but I pointed out that I had "noticed" him. I asked them if they'd ask him to sit with us at Feast. So he did. He was interesting and had a killer smile. Feast was great and there was lots of entertainment on account of the Queen's attendance. We all ate by candlelight on feast gear. It was incredibly romantic.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to Gulf Wars and have been given the green light to take off work Thurs and Fri that week! We have planned a sew day on Saturday and I'm meeting with my friend Renae who has lots of beads for making viking wealth! I can't express how excited I am.

Tune in for more
A

CALM

2007-01-24T09:16:00.000-08:00

I am in a special study for anxiety called CALM. It is designed to help me deal with my anxiety and learn through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy how my anxiety affects me and how to handle my unrealistic thinking.

Today I am very anxious. I have my annual female appointment today and I haven't had it annually in 3 years. I avoid it because I hate it. I try to pinpoint what it is exactly at the root of my feelings towards this exam. I don't want someone (a total stranger) to touch me on my girl parts. I am afraid that they will discover that I have cancer or some sexually transmitted disease that has never been discovered.

I've had several boyfriends since I became sexually active. I am not very knowledgeable when it comes to matters of sex. Just because a person has had it often doesn't mean that they are experienced. I guess I'm afraid that someone will discover how many partners I've had and give me a lecture about it. I usually avoid the "sex" topic all together. I suppose you could say that I'm not very loquacious on the social graces of sexuality. So when it comes to talking to someone about my body I am not comfortable revealing things that I am not comfortable talking about.

So this CALM study is supposed to direct my anxiety in a healthy way. I am only into this study one week so I am still green on my ability to control it. But right now I am very anxious about this appointment and I can't stop perseverating over it.

I feel the same way about going to the dentist. I HATE going to the dentist. I suppose it's because my dentist is quite rough. I feel like he doesn't take any pride in his work in my opinion. He has done several fillings for me and my teeth end up being sharp and cut my tongue and cheeks. Plus it's expensive to have any teeth fixed. I have insurance but even after insurance the cost for a filling is like...$50. Then if you have to have a crown put on...it's like $600. It's no wonder Dentists are the highest paid profession.

That's all for now.
A

So long San Juan

2007-01-20T14:01:00.000-08:00

Ok so I've got a lot to say today....San Juan slipped through my fingers. I don't get to go. I was so hoping to get to go to a conference in San Juan. There are two others going so I do not get to go. Oh well... C'est la vie.

I have a big vacation to look forward to in October. I'm going on a cruise. I'm meeting up with some old ship mates for a Norwegian Cruise Line reunion cruise. I'm so excited. I'll get to see at least 3 of my old ship friends. My mother will be watching my daughter for the cruise so I should have a wonderful time!!!

I'll fly to Orlando to meet up with Bianca, hang out there for a few days, then we'll drive down to Miami, Hopefully we'll see other ship folks before we get on board. But there are like 60 people signed up for the cruise already.

I haven't decided if I'm going to spend lots of days in Orlando or not. But I know that I'll go for a day or two...maybe we can drive to Cocoa beach or go to cape canaveral. We'll see. I am just looking forward to being on a true vacation!

Tune in for more....

My pee pants

2007-01-20T13:30:00.000-08:00

Ok. I saw Talladega Nights. And the part where the 8 year old says he peed in his pants and he'd been in his "pee" pants all day...it was funny.

Then Grace peed in her pants today....not so funny. I was mortified. We went to Pizza Hut (the one with the jungle gym/tunnels inside the front of the restaurant). I saw her standing quietly by the shoe rack. I asked her what she was doing there? She just looked at me and walked away. I thought nothing more of it, until my sister said she'd peed in her pants. I said when did you do that and where? I could think of this pool of it in the top of the gym...and that some other child would be traipsing through it. She took us by the shoe rack and showed us. I thought back to my own youth (her age actually) when I had gone to the park and peed in my pants because I played too hard and didn't make it to the bathroom in time. A mother looked at me angrily and told me to go home.

I didn't want to instill the same fear that I have had for many years. The look in that woman's eyes was frightening. I told her that it was embarrassing and the fact that she told a little boy what she was doing and told him not to tell. I want her to be honest and do the right thing but I don't want to have to nag her about them. I want her to grow up with a healthy mental health and not like me confused about my own shadow.

I tend to over talk to her when she is in trouble then when I ask her if she knows why I'm angry with her. She responds I don't know. It irritates me that she doesn't understand. So I talk more and more trying to get her to understand. She is after all only 6 and just turned that. So I think that I am over reaching the whole understanding the feelings. I know that over time she'll understand...

until next time.

Exhaustion

2007-01-09T06:24:00.000-08:00

I've not been sick in ages. I guess I've been focusing on the other ailments in my life. I injured my knee back in July and I have no idea how I did it. I went to my primary care physician, they sent me to have an MRI - oh my goodness...my cost was over $600 and that was after insurance. Only to have them tell me I had Chrondomalacia. I think this interprets to be knee pain. Duh! I could have told them that. The pcp said they had to refer me to a orthopaedist.

I went to the orthopaedist. He had me go for xrays. He gives me a prescription for steroids and sends me physical therapy. He also said you need to lose weight. The PT actually helped. I felt better after going but that cost me $200 out of my own pocket. My knee actually did get better but I fell twice and may have re-injured it. I'm not going to the doctor again for it. I'll just suffer with the pain. Some days are worse than others. Especially when it pops and then I jerk.

So if I've been sick in these past 6 months I haven't noticed it. I have a head cold now and I'm physically exhausted. I'd like to spend the week in bed but can't. I'd feel too guilty. I felt guilty for calling in sick on tue and thurs. I went to work on wed but felt horrible the entire day.Then took off Thursday cuz I felt horrible again. Friday I felt much better and we were off Monday due to MLK's birthday.

It's been a long time

2007-01-03T07:08:00.000-08:00

i've not thought about blogging for some time now. I have some thoughts that I'd like to put out there...

I don't think I want to spend 10 days straight with my daughter again. They were out of school on Thursday Dec 21 through January 8 this year. The first 5 days were ok because they were the preempt of Christmas. Everything is heightened for Christmas. Everyone is mostly in a good mood. So it was pretty easy to keep her in check. The threat of Santa bringing coal was also configured into the behavior modification. The child care was closed the entire week. On the 26th she came to work with me and was the perfect angel. There were only 5 of 30 people there so it was pretty easy day. The next day a few more people came to work and her behavior was a little harder to control because I had more people to worry about pleasing. The 28th which was my birthday, I thought would be easy because she knew we'd have birthday cake and that's always an excellent threat to modify her behavior - no cake for you! Things were ok. It rained the 29th, 30th, & 31st. She needed to play outside so bad. We went places to kill the monotony of being at home. But finally on Jan 1st we were able to go to a park. When she is up in the slide she yells out "mama, what does 'e' 'a' 't'...at this point I think she is going to say sh@#. but she says 'c' 'r' 'a' 'p'. I just started laughing and told her I couldn't tell her what it spelled because it was a bad word.

I think where I messed up was when I let her stay up until midnight on the 31st. we both slept in until 10:30am which I thought was sufficient sleep. Now her schedule is all off. She has come home from child care the past two days and taken a nap. So when it is time for her to go to bed she fights it. Last night I had to threaten her with not having a birthday party on Sunday. After about 3 spankings and a drive to what she thought was the police station as she is screaming "I don't want to go to the police station!" I ended up going to the library to drop off some books and the video store to drop of some movies. This calmed her down enough to finally go to sleep. It was 11 pm. I question my own parenting when she gets like this. My father says that I was just like this at her age and that a spanking when I woke up in the morning would set me straight for the entire day.

Those are my thoughts today.
Enjoy

2005-08-06T17:37:00.000-07:00

It's just me

Smile

2005-08-06T17:19:00.000-07:00

SMILE
AT ME
often.
A very
fine
show of
gentlemanly
affection.
Sharing
a part
of you
that the
whole
wide
world
can see.
And you
offer
this to
ME.

mcgregorgirl68

Innocent love

2005-08-06T17:17:00.000-07:00

Innocent love
I think it was you,
It was only a dream,
I touched your soft brown hair.
It was electrifying
I just had to touch it.
Something possessed me to do it
But you turned to me and smiled.
I could feel you looking through me
Through that façade.
Unreal, unconscious,
We embrace and I smell your sweet scent

But I felt it,
I felt the love emanating
From my heart to yours and back,
A feeling of peace that nothing else could saturate
Comforting,
Intimate,
Innocent,
Understanding,
Undeniable,
I am afraid I won’t feel when I grudgingly open my eyes.

Then nothing at all
Then nothing at all.
I wake feeling an ache and
Despise the morning for interrupting True love

2005-07-07T17:28:00.000-07:00

my little sheep

Add on to Raccoons, Moving & 4th

2005-07-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday at church the sunday school teacher told me that Grace said I was serious about the raccoons. She keeps telling everyone "my mama is serious about the raccoons" using a downward motion of her hands (like Trump's "you're fired"). I guess maybe I went a little overboard on the raccoons. Grace would ask me when they would be rustling around and thumping into things above our bed..."mama what's that sound?" "Oh honey its just the raccoons, go back to sleep."

Ashley

Raccoons, Moving, & 4th of July

2005-07-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

While everyone was probably taking it easy July 4th weekend, I was moving all my stuff. My father got some guys from the warehouse where he works and we paid them each $50. It was done in about 4 hours. Whew!

I cleared out the rest of the items and spruced it up. The entire time I am aggravated at the system that allows renters to not have any rights. The only time a tenant has right is if they threaten to sue. No wonder America is the sue captial of the world. My neighbor below me smokes. I have no beef with her habit only that it comes up into my apartment. I feel there should be some kind of disclosure for any apartment complex. Label it a non-smoking or smoking apartment. Of course that limits who can go into the apartment. In this small of a complex, I doubt they would take that into consideration. But something should just be said. Now when I view an apt or house that I will be renting I will know what the "motel" smell is. When I first walked into this apt, that is what it smelled like, Motel 6, "we leave the light on."

When I requested to move to another apartment, the landlord told me I had to pay a $300 transfer fee. Upon which, I scoffed and fumed for about two weeks. My lease would be ending soon, so I had to make a decision. After sucking in my pride, I returned to negotiate the transfer fee (I told her that my apartment would practically be ready to move in to), she stated that I would have to put up a new $300 deposit and that she would have to ask the management company about the negotiation on the transfer fee.

In the meantime, I have raccoons that have nested in the attic above me. They have been there the entire 18 months. I reported this to managment 4 times. Upon my negotiating the transfer fee, she tells me that they are not raccoons but chipmunks. This told me right then and there, that she had not bothered to look into the matter, nor had anyone else I reported it to. I set up my video camera to tape two hours every night for about two weeks and caught the buggers on tape. Every twenty - thirty minutes they would crawl up the side of the building, go across my balcony, and crawl up the drain pipe into the roof. On one occasion, I couldn't sleep so I laid down by the screen door. The little shit came right to the screen and looked in, we were nose to nose. If the door had been open, it would have been inside my apartment. This on top of the 2nd hand smoke was my last straw.

I turned my keys in today and tried to keep my animosity out of it. I asked her if I needed to set up an appt to turn my keys in and do a walk through. She said no they could do it now. The apartment was "the way we like it." I wanted to say take that you cold hearted bitch. But I kept muttering a prayer to God about helping me keep my cool. After all, I still had a $300 deposit to get back. I didn't want her to take all of it.

I felt like the whole attitude she had for the property was just greedy- only out to make $ for the property and not to take care of the tenants. I suppose she felt intimidated by me because I applied and interviewed for the apartment manager position. However, she got the job so what was she so upset about? I do feel I would have done a much better job. They had to hire a maintenance man because she "doesn't do maintenance." I guess it was beneath her. She got me out, obviously that's what she wanted. I hope that the person who moves in is much worse than me.

In any case, I moved into a smaller apt but with a back yard where my daughter can play. I have every intention of re vamping the back yard but will have to find a creative way to do so.

Ashley

Longest Day

2005-07-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

Technically the earth's longest day is June 20 or 21. But I beg to differ. The longest day is the day before the 3 day weekend. Memorial day, 4th of July, Labor day, and especially Thanksgiving & Christmas because they end up being 4 day weekends. Thanksgiving only if the governor declares the friday following a holiday for state employees.

It seems as though I have been waiting for this day to be over for a week now. Of course, I would love to have plans to do something fun. But I'm moving. So much trauma in moving. My mom has my daughter so I won't have to worry about that but just the physical drain of moving makes me want to give everything away and buy new stuff. If I could afford it I would! Just looking forward to the weekend away from my ranting and raving 4 year old.

Happy 4th

Stuff

2005-06-29T09:16:00.000-07:00

Why do we acumulate so much stuff? I am moving and everyday I pack a box I throw about half of it out or put in on the freecycle to give it away. I can imagine so much stuff is going into the landfills anyway because people are impatient and don't want to wait for someone to make contact with them to pick it up. Anyway, I think of Carlin and his jokes about all of our stuff (of course he uses a more explicative word). He says when you buy a house you fill it with stuff. Then you have a yard sale and sell your stuff so you can buy more stuff. What might be one man's trash is truly another man's treasure.

Take this gaudy crystal bowl I somehow accumulated. I'm not even sure how it ended up at my house. All I know is that is UGLY! I put it up on freecycle thinking I'd get no takers, surely. I also put up a TV. Older I'll admit, but still operational and gets the main channels without cable :) But would you believe that only one person emailed me about the TV and 20 emailed me about the bowl. Amazing!!

Trials and Tribulations

2005-06-28T11:14:00.000-07:00

Children really mirror behavior. I often see my daughter stomp her foot and throw something. I couldn't imagine where she'd learned that behavior. I caught myself doing that the other day. I am currently in a day to day power struggle with her. She tells me "no" and asks me "why can't she climb over the fence to get a closer look at the tigers at the zoo?" "Why can't I slap my hands on the fish tank at mama's work and freak the expensive saltwater fish out?" Why why why why becomes whine. Especially when I tell her "no" because "I said no and that's my final answer." Really hate Regis for putting that phrase in my brain. I never thought I'd ever be a mother much less fighting with a 4 year old over triviality of bedtime. "Why can't I stay up with you and watch TV (SNL)?" "Because you need your sleep" (and not at all because SNL is not what 4 year olds need to be watching).

If it wasn't just her and I, it might be a little easier. Her father made a choice not to be in our lives. However, his choice was to come into her life when it was convenient for him and then flit back out again. I made the choice for her that he would not do that to her. I'm not bitter, just protective of her mental state. Although her current power struggle with me could result in my imaginative bitterness coming to the surface.

It's easy to discipline her when she is at home. It's everywhere else that freaks me out. If I am in public and she exhibits a behavior that is unacceptable and I punish her by spanking her...others look upon that as child abuse. "how could she do that in public." Yet the better question is how could my daughter behave like that in public. So the power struggle begins. Which I understand might continue for at least the next year. Whoopee!! I just need a break in a mental institution for a tiny bit. :)

2005-06-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

Amazing Grace and AL

Everything

2005-06-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

Everything - Alanis Morrisette

...You see everything, you see every part You see all my light and you love my dark You dig everything of which I'm ashamed There's not anything to which you can’t relate And you’re still here.

Thank you Alanis you've summed it all up.